as many of you can probably tell from reading my blog, I’m not a particularly religious or even spiritual person, though there are people who tell me that I am spiritual and I either don’t want to admit to or aren’t aware of it.
In talking with my parents yesterday and realizing the irony of saying happy father’s day to my dad even though he may soon lose his youngest child, (soon being relative, because, with cancer, you just never know) it struck me in a strange way and I wonder, “is this God’s invitation for me to return? It was a very emotional call especially when my mom said “we have to believe that God is going to heal him, he’s going to be okay, I have to believe that because if I don’t, I’ll fall apart” and I’m crying a little even while writing this like I did on the phone. She said “he healed your cousin from cancer 40 years ago and the doctors gave him 6 months. That was testicular cancer and with my brother, it’s in his kidney, lungs, limphnodes and adrenal gland and they say it’s very aggressive.
What was it about her need to believe that struck a raw emotional chord with me, someone who, for years has said that God is just like a clock maker who wound up the universe and just let it run on its own with no intervention? Yes, I am a deist, not an atheist because I believe in something, just not an entity who cares about us individually.
I have never been antichristian though I do feel that certain aspects of religion have caused all manner of war and strife throughout history…still, I try to unravel the mystery of all this, why does the invitation, if that’s what it is, seem so very painful at this moment? The words of a therapist from my past come to mind “What are you running from”, or another therapist who asked the question “What do you need?” and my answer was “I don’t know”.
I’ve cried a little but I need to be strong for them when I go visit in a couple of weeks, though in my head, I know that crying isn’t a sign of weakness.
I had a dream last night that I wasn’t ready to go on my flight and I couldn’t get the ubar app on my phone to work so Cindy had to fix it while I rushed around packing before I got picked up, and then I realized that I didn’t have my cane with me. I felt a good bit of anxiety for most of the morning but having the kids awake to get breakfast for them was a welcomed distraction from all the gloom and it’s not even me who has the disease and yet, part of me feels like it’s not okay to feel all of this.