I know, it sounds like a strange subject for a blog post but if you’ll remember, I found myself in a situation where I and this other person were falling for each other. People said be careful and you all were right. I feel like the biggest ass, idiot and jerk imaginable. She gets pissed when we can’t talk and says that she’s not important to me and then I feel bad for hurting someone else again.
On top of all that, a family member has stage 4 cancer and it’s spreading and, for a lot of reasons that you guys will probably understand, I don’t want to go into a lot of details about that.
The icing on the cake, and I hate cake, is that I am in a creative slump and anything I try to write, with the exception of one piece about storms, sounds like shit.
The only solace I seem to have, and it’s not for very long, is when I’m under water in my pool but that’s in 30 second intervals at the most. Yes, the pool has made the summer easier in some ways and maybe I just need to tell this girl to go away. I enjoy when we do talk though but she wants to know if I’m willing to change things so we can be together. Holy hell, that sounds like fucking high school drama and I hate that shit.
I may be going to visit my brother in Florida in July while my mother-in-law is here but I don’t know yet.
I hate myself for ever allowing things to get to this point and it’s just another entry into the “things that I regret about my miserable life” chart that seems to be growing exponentially.
Yes, a good amount of this is probably the general melancholy that has followed me around for more of my life than it hasn’t but I just feel like I need a break from everything, the noise, the internet, everything.
I imagine my disembodied spirit soaring above the planets, tumbling endlessly into the vastness of space and that vision gives me some solace, I’ve had that before in other times, even in a few dreams.
I just feel like a total wreck at this moment, my heart is racing and though it sounds like a good idea, the tears just won’t fall.
But all of this too shall pass because life just has a way of going on, whether you want to participate in it or not.
Even if I haven’t written with much regularity, and though I’ve said this a number of times, thank you for being there.