need some counsel

As I have written previously, I had gotten involved to a degree with an online relationship and it’s a situation where she is more attached than I am and though I am trying to delicately present the situation and the truth, I am having some difficulty with this.

She’s bipolar, or that’s what she tells me and I see evidence of this periodically in our chats, especially when I either can’t talk on the phone or simply don’t want to because I have days when, after the kids are in bed, I don’t want to talk to anyone, and the wife feels the same way, understandably so.

We have some things in common, we’re both musicians and we’re pretty flirty with each other, but honestly, she is way unhappier in her situation and has a lot more time to allow her thoughts to wander into the dark, if that makes any sense.

I honestly was starting to have some feelings for her so it wasn’t dishonest of me to admit that but her insecurities are sometimes just too much to handle, especially lately with other things that have happened.

I don’t know if any of you have any thoughts besides “You were an idiot for doing this in the first place” etc. but perhaps you may have another perspective that I haven’t considered.

Thank you for your thoughts.

god’s invitation?

as many of you can probably tell from reading my blog, I’m not a particularly religious or even spiritual person, though there are people who tell me that I am spiritual and I either don’t want to admit to or aren’t aware of it.

In talking with my parents yesterday and realizing the irony of saying happy father’s day to my dad even though he may soon lose his youngest child, (soon being relative, because, with cancer, you just never know) it struck me in a strange way and I wonder, “is this God’s invitation for me to return? It was a very emotional call especially when my mom said “we have to believe that God is going to heal him, he’s going to be okay, I have to believe that because if I don’t, I’ll fall apart” and I’m crying a little even while writing this like I did on the phone. She said “he healed your cousin from cancer 40 years ago and the doctors gave him 6 months. That was testicular cancer and with my brother, it’s in his kidney, lungs, limphnodes and adrenal gland and they say it’s very aggressive.

What was it about her need to believe that struck a raw emotional chord with me, someone who, for years has said that God is just like a clock maker who wound up the universe and just let it run on its own with no intervention? Yes, I am a deist, not an atheist because I believe in something, just not an entity who cares about us individually.

I have never been antichristian though I do feel that certain aspects of religion have caused all manner of war and strife throughout history…still, I try to unravel the mystery of all this, why does the invitation, if that’s what it is, seem so very painful at this moment? The words of a therapist from my past come to mind “What are you running from”, or another therapist who asked the question “What do you need?” and my answer was “I don’t know”.

I’ve cried a little but I need to be strong for them when I go visit in a couple of weeks, though in my head, I know that crying isn’t a sign of weakness.

I had a dream last night that I wasn’t ready to go on my flight and I couldn’t get the ubar app on my phone to work so Cindy had to fix it while I rushed around packing before I got picked up, and then I realized that I didn’t have my cane with me. I felt a good bit of anxiety for most of the morning but having the kids awake to get breakfast for them was a welcomed distraction from all the gloom and it’s not even me who has the disease and yet, part of me feels like it’s not okay to feel all of this.

why do people have to love me?

I know, it sounds like a strange subject for a blog post but if you’ll remember, I found myself in a situation where I and this other person were falling for each other. People said be careful and you all were right. I feel like the biggest ass, idiot and jerk imaginable. She gets pissed when we can’t talk and says that she’s not important to me and then I feel bad for hurting someone else again.

On top of all that, a family member has stage 4 cancer and it’s spreading and, for a lot of reasons that you guys will probably understand, I don’t want to go into a lot of details about that.

The icing on the cake, and I hate cake, is that I am in a creative slump and anything I try to write, with the exception of one piece about storms, sounds like shit.

The only solace I seem to have, and it’s not for very long, is when I’m under water in my pool but that’s in 30 second intervals at the most. Yes, the pool has made the summer easier in some ways and maybe I just need to tell this girl to go away. I enjoy when we do talk though but she wants to know if I’m willing to change things so we can be together. Holy hell, that sounds like fucking high school drama and I hate that shit.

I may be going to visit my brother in Florida in July while my mother-in-law is here but I don’t know yet.

I hate myself for ever allowing things to get to this point and it’s just another entry into the “things that I regret about my miserable life” chart that seems to be growing exponentially.

Yes, a good amount of this is probably the general melancholy that has followed me around for more of my life than it hasn’t but I just feel like I need a break from everything, the noise, the internet, everything.

I imagine my disembodied spirit soaring above the planets, tumbling endlessly into the vastness of space and that vision gives me some solace, I’ve had that before in other times, even in a few dreams.

I just feel like a total wreck at this moment, my heart is racing and though it sounds like a good idea, the tears just won’t fall.

But all of this too shall pass because life just has a way of going on, whether you want to participate in it or not.

Even if I haven’t written with much regularity, and though I’ve said this a number of times, thank you for being there.