all jumbled up

this will be another of those posts where I probably meander around a bit because, as the title says, I’m feeling a bit jumbled up at the moment.

A few months ago, I met someone from twitter, someone who has been following me for quite a while but who never reached out. I don’t remember who made the initial contact for direct messaging, it was probably me to ask about what kind of music she liked.

Well, predictably, as these things have a way of doing, a conversation about music turned into more serious conversations about our lives, became quite flirtatious and it turns out that she’s living with someone, not married but still, someone who she’s not happy with.

We had a few phone conversations and after a while, she told me that she was falling for me which lead to her being in love with me.

For my part, I felt that someone was paying attention to me other than in the context of needing something, help with a house project, help with the kids etc. and it felt nice to be wanted and needed for something other than all that other shit. It’s like a friend of mine who is staying with us, she asked me to come out on the patio to have coffee with her. it felt nice to be asked and sometimes a person just needs that, even if it’s something simple.

I am falling for her, maybe not to the same extent that she is falling for me but still, it’s there and for her it’s a very frustrating situation because although she can leave the person she’s with, it’s much more complicated for me as I have said many times here before. I love the children obviously, though they’re sometimes hard to live with and when I tell the little girl that I love her before bed, she rarely responds. I guess that I’m just used to that I suppose and the one strange thing is that I still struggle with the paradox of being a parent, how you love your kids but they still drive you crazy. Relationships have seemed to be a difficult thing for me to handle in some ways and with the kids, that’s just a whole different deal.

I’m all mixed up and though I’m not asking you guys what I should do because, I guess only I can really come up with the answer, having some other thoughts on the matter would probably give me some perspective that I don’t seem to have at the moment.

I’m sure that this isn’t a whole lot of information, on the one hand, I want to tell her that she should just follow her logic and go ahead and abandon me because who knows if we’ll ever meet. on the other hand, even writing something like that makes me a little sad but isn’t that what’s best for her? It’s not fair to her to have to deal with this problem with everything else she’s dealing with.

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One thought on “all jumbled up

  1. That’s a tough one. All I can say is put yourself in everyone’s shoes involved. Things have a way of getting messy and people get hurt. It’s the kids who get caught in the crossfire. It’s a serious thing but you have to listen to your own inner voice. The answer is there.

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