another disappointment

The little girl lost another tooth yesterday and the wife knew this. LG asked me to put it in a zip lock bag so the tooth fairy could get it, so I did and she stuck it under her pillow.

Did the wife give me the dollar so that I could take it upstairs later and make the switch? Go ahead and say no because you’d be right.

The little girl woke up this morning and said “There’s no money under my pillow” and I said “the tooth fairy will try again tonight baby”.

The wife is the worst tooth fairy on the planet. We were having a conversation in the kitchen about the lg’s tooth and I said that she didn’t sound disappointed that the tooth fairy didn’t come. The wife said “She probably expects it at this point” and then she said “we are the worst tooth fairies” but it’s all on her. How many times do I have to remind her to get money when one of the kids loses a tooth? Perhaps I should just have a stack of dollar bills so I don’t have to bother her with it at all and though that would fix the immediate problem, it skirts the issue of me always having to remind people of things multiple times a day. As a partner in this relationship that shouldn’t totally be my responsibility. Does that make sense or am I just being too petty? And why should lg feel disappointed because of these things? Yes they are little things and yes they are traditions in our culture and yes, the wife hates tradition, hates Christmas, hates Easter and doesn’t give something trivial like the tooth fairy a second thought, but I wonder what goes on in lg’s head about these kinds of things? I wonder what she really feels about little disappointments that aren’t a big deal to her mother but are probably pretty significant to a 7-year-old mind?

If I asked her, she’d just say “I don’t know” or not want to talk about it. Maybe I’m reading too much into all this and maybe I’m just projecting my own emotions about some stuff but it seems to me that if I were in lg’s shoes, I’d be a bit sad about this sort of thing that isn’t a big deal to a grown up.

more bailing out

The oldest was supposed to get some stuff for the pool for his mom and he forgot. Instead of making him go back to the store which would take away some time with his girlfriend, she just says “Fuck it, I’m leaving” and she does it herself. No wonder he doesn’t take any responsibility at home. It’s all on her, the way she bails his ass out. So what if his girlfriend is only here for a few hours. she used to say that good decisions had good consequences and bad decisions have bad consequences. Maybe that only applies in certain situations and not across the board. I even said “then make him do it” and when she said “Katie is only here for a few hours” I said “who cares?” That’s when she said “fuck it, I’m leaving.” such stupid crap. See, I tried to tell her to make him take ownership but how much can I do when I’m the only one trying to steer the titanic?

all jumbled up

this will be another of those posts where I probably meander around a bit because, as the title says, I’m feeling a bit jumbled up at the moment.

A few months ago, I met someone from twitter, someone who has been following me for quite a while but who never reached out. I don’t remember who made the initial contact for direct messaging, it was probably me to ask about what kind of music she liked.

Well, predictably, as these things have a way of doing, a conversation about music turned into more serious conversations about our lives, became quite flirtatious and it turns out that she’s living with someone, not married but still, someone who she’s not happy with.

We had a few phone conversations and after a while, she told me that she was falling for me which lead to her being in love with me.

For my part, I felt that someone was paying attention to me other than in the context of needing something, help with a house project, help with the kids etc. and it felt nice to be wanted and needed for something other than all that other shit. It’s like a friend of mine who is staying with us, she asked me to come out on the patio to have coffee with her. it felt nice to be asked and sometimes a person just needs that, even if it’s something simple.

I am falling for her, maybe not to the same extent that she is falling for me but still, it’s there and for her it’s a very frustrating situation because although she can leave the person she’s with, it’s much more complicated for me as I have said many times here before. I love the children obviously, though they’re sometimes hard to live with and when I tell the little girl that I love her before bed, she rarely responds. I guess that I’m just used to that I suppose and the one strange thing is that I still struggle with the paradox of being a parent, how you love your kids but they still drive you crazy. Relationships have seemed to be a difficult thing for me to handle in some ways and with the kids, that’s just a whole different deal.

I’m all mixed up and though I’m not asking you guys what I should do because, I guess only I can really come up with the answer, having some other thoughts on the matter would probably give me some perspective that I don’t seem to have at the moment.

I’m sure that this isn’t a whole lot of information, on the one hand, I want to tell her that she should just follow her logic and go ahead and abandon me because who knows if we’ll ever meet. on the other hand, even writing something like that makes me a little sad but isn’t that what’s best for her? It’s not fair to her to have to deal with this problem with everything else she’s dealing with.

moving on

I am considering deleting this blog because, though I know how important it is to have an outlet or I’ll just spin apart, and that’s true for anyone, I am wondering if this is the best way for me to do that? We live in a very sad world these days and I feel that my posts don’t particularly do very much, if anything to add positivity to the lives of those of you who have chosen to follow and read the record of my life so-to-speak?

My intention was to try to reach out in the pain that I often feel and hope to find that I’m not alone and that has been accomplished. After reaching out as I look back over the last few years, I wonder if I have just been spinning my wheels in a manner of speaking and I feel that the answer is a resounding yes. So now what? Well, I honestly don’t know and though there are times when I feel that I am on a precipice of some great change, I don’t know what that change is because I am fearful of leaping off into oblivion and I wonder if it’s the fear that is holding me prisoner?

As you will remember, I have gone skydiving a few times and though I felt a sense of trepidation just before making the jump, the truth is that I obviously survived it but this is quite a bit different I suppose.

all I know is that if I were someone else reading this blog, I’d probably want to beat some sense into this person and say “get your shit together and stop moaning about everything, who wants to read that, especially in today’s world, fuck this shit”.

I can’t pretend that I know what goes through the mind of those of you who read and comment but I would guess that after a while of reading, it’s like a broken record and you’d want to push the needle out of that one groove, to encourage something different to occur.

I do appreciate all of you who have read my posts over the past few years and those of you who have liked and commented and I feel that I have made a few valuable connections.

I don’t know if this is the end of the blog as I am considering its removal and often, with me, consideration can take a bit of time, after all, I’m not the most decisive person, and there are people in my life who can attest to this.

at this point, I just wanted to say thank you for your interactions, comments in the form of either observations or advice and for your friendship.

Easter

The other day, we were in target getting a new comforter and we passed by the Easter isle and she said ‘I hate this Easter crap, but we might as well look while we’re here.” We found nothing and then a friend of our suggested a prepackaged deal form a store so she wouldn’t have to do anything but go pick that up.

Fast forward to just a few minutes ago and The wife is still going on about Easter saying “this Easter crap isn’t going to take care of itself”. she’s just getting prepackaged candy bouquets from Kroger and on the way out the door she sighed exasperatedly ‘i hate this fucking shit”.” She hates Christmas, really hates Easter and says that she probably ruined Christmas for me because I used to like it pretty well.

I would like to just go away for a while and still have the ability to be the invisible man to see how it would all get along or not get along if I weren’t there.

At least I think it’s cute that the kids are excited about Easter even though we don’t really celebrate it and even though that’s the case, I’m not a grump about it all.

I hope you guys have a happy Easter and if you don’t celebrate it, have a fantastic Sunday.