never before have I said “I wish I would die”

Trigger warning, the follow post deals with suicide ideation so if that’s something you can’t read about or shouldn’t, please follow your instincts and do not read this post.

I actually spoke these words allowed the other morning though at this moment, I can’t remember specifically caused me to say such a thing.

I have thought many times of the prospect of making a quiet exit off this planet in search of an afterlife that has to be better than this one but they have just been thoughts here and there.

This was all brought up in a way recently when I was talking to someone and she said “I just don’t understand people who choose not to have a good day. She was talking about her sister and she asked her “Why can’t you get up in the morning and just say “It’s going to be a great day today?” and her sister said “I just can’t do that”.

I wanted to try to explain that people who have depression don’t want to live this way, that we don’t consciously look forward to bad days but it’s a disease and that people who say happiness is a choice form inside and why can’t you choose to be more positive, in my mind, marginalize the problem, though that’s not their intent, I’m sure.

And now it’s Christmas, the kids are off school for two weeks, the wife yells at them for fucking around with the ornaments on the tree on a daily basis, and I just want the whole miserable season to be over already, and this is just their third day off.

I haven’t had good quality sleep in months and though the pain meds minimally help the shoulder pain sometimes, it’s still something that’s always there. Physical therapy helps a little, and incidentally, that the only physical contact I get from a woman, lol, touching on another issue of needs not being met, but that’s not something I want to go into a whole lot here really.

I thought to myself, what if I took all of these hydrocodone pills? I had the image in my mind of me doing that, took the bottle out of the cabinet, took the top off, and…just took one, after which time, I want to write some more music.

But getting back to this positive self-talk. I just don’t buy it because, if it’s raining outside, telling yourself that it’s not going to keep raining doesn’t make the rain go away. Someone pointed that out and called positive talk “junk science” which I couldn’t disagree with.

I feel like such an inept parent a lot of the times, like yesterday, it sounded like the little boy threw something and he knows he’s not supposed to throw toys so I told him to stop and spanked him on the bottom once. The wife said that he didn’t throw anything and I said it sounded like he did from where I was. She said “you could ask what they are doing” and I said that I do but that doesn’t always work”. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, they were all in our bedroom and I said “you guys came in here because it was warmer? And the wife said “I just brought them in here to get them out of your hair so they wouldn’t be disciplined for no reason”.

That made me feel horrible and even writing about it now is making me want to cry so maybe I should just quit. I have physical therapy anyway so thanks for reading.


One thought on “never before have I said “I wish I would die”

  1. wonderdaze says:

    When I hear those words in my head “I want to die” I have recently come to the conclusion that it isn’t really that I want to die, but that I want something painful to go away. I want to stop blaming myself for things that I have no control over. I want to stop taking it out on myself, punishing myself for the problems around me or the harsh judgements I make about myself. It’s a shift in thinking for me and it turns the action away from myself and towards the external pressure or pain I am in. I may not be able to do anything about it immediately, but it takes the ideation away and directs me towards self compassion.

    We all screw up as parents and do and say things in the heat of the moment. Forgive yourself and let the kids know you made a mistake, they will forgive you.


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