post Christmas Blahs

I don’t know if I’m going to continue the reluctant parent because I don’t really seem to get much feedback on anything but then I think I can understand why actually.

If I really didn’t know me, I probably wouldn’t want to read about the life I write about either.

Christmas is over and the wife is cranky and is struggling every year, as she apparently has for many years in the past, even before the little ones came along, as to whether she wants to do Christmas the next year.

She doesn’t feel that anyone enjoys the food she makes and I tell her that I do and she comes back with “but you only eat one plate”. Regrettably, I’m no longer in my 20’s. She asked the kids what they got for Christmas and they can’t remember anything except the ring pops they were holding and she’s going to take the tree down tonight, no matter how miserable she is.

I told her, why don’t we just skip Christmas next year and we’ve talked about this before and I’ve suggested things like maybe going to a homeless shelter or a battered woman’s shelter to help out for the day but she always says “What if it’s traumatic for the kids’ or “I’m just being selfish” or some other stupid shit, just another example of it’s not my idea so I am going to tell you all the reasons why it can’t work out.

So here’s the question. Isn’t it more selfish for her to do something she really doesn’t want to do because she thinks it’s what should be done, no matter how miserable it makes her? After all, that always spills over on everyone else, it’s just part of being human.

Sure, I enjoy the meal and the tree is okay and hearing how excited the kids get over the presents is cute but none of that is worth anything if it’s going to make someone else in the family unit so miserable that she questions every single year whether or not she should do the same thing the next time.

merry Christmas

I’d like to wish all of you a very merry Christmas and an abundantly happy new year.

The kids are excited about Christmas and the little girl wrote a note to Santa that said something like “Thank you for all the presents and I hope you enjoy the north pole. I believe in you.

I thought that was so cute and on the other end of the spectrum, the wife is in the bedroom wrapping presents and I have offered a few times to help but she wants to do it all herself but then says “I hate this, wrapping presents. Maybe someday I’ll like Christmas, some day”.

We’re having a friend over tomorrow so that should be okay.

I’ve written up my blog entry about what’s coming up for 2017 regarding music and I have a lot of plans and grand ideas, as I usually do and I’ve sent a few albums ahead of their publish date to some reviewers and a couple of them are interested in writing up reviews for them.

I hope that you are all doing well.

never before have I said “I wish I would die”

Trigger warning, the follow post deals with suicide ideation so if that’s something you can’t read about or shouldn’t, please follow your instincts and do not read this post.

I actually spoke these words allowed the other morning though at this moment, I can’t remember specifically caused me to say such a thing.

I have thought many times of the prospect of making a quiet exit off this planet in search of an afterlife that has to be better than this one but they have just been thoughts here and there.

This was all brought up in a way recently when I was talking to someone and she said “I just don’t understand people who choose not to have a good day. She was talking about her sister and she asked her “Why can’t you get up in the morning and just say “It’s going to be a great day today?” and her sister said “I just can’t do that”.

I wanted to try to explain that people who have depression don’t want to live this way, that we don’t consciously look forward to bad days but it’s a disease and that people who say happiness is a choice form inside and why can’t you choose to be more positive, in my mind, marginalize the problem, though that’s not their intent, I’m sure.

And now it’s Christmas, the kids are off school for two weeks, the wife yells at them for fucking around with the ornaments on the tree on a daily basis, and I just want the whole miserable season to be over already, and this is just their third day off.

I haven’t had good quality sleep in months and though the pain meds minimally help the shoulder pain sometimes, it’s still something that’s always there. Physical therapy helps a little, and incidentally, that the only physical contact I get from a woman, lol, touching on another issue of needs not being met, but that’s not something I want to go into a whole lot here really.

I thought to myself, what if I took all of these hydrocodone pills? I had the image in my mind of me doing that, took the bottle out of the cabinet, took the top off, and…just took one, after which time, I want to write some more music.

But getting back to this positive self-talk. I just don’t buy it because, if it’s raining outside, telling yourself that it’s not going to keep raining doesn’t make the rain go away. Someone pointed that out and called positive talk “junk science” which I couldn’t disagree with.

I feel like such an inept parent a lot of the times, like yesterday, it sounded like the little boy threw something and he knows he’s not supposed to throw toys so I told him to stop and spanked him on the bottom once. The wife said that he didn’t throw anything and I said it sounded like he did from where I was. She said “you could ask what they are doing” and I said that I do but that doesn’t always work”. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, they were all in our bedroom and I said “you guys came in here because it was warmer? And the wife said “I just brought them in here to get them out of your hair so they wouldn’t be disciplined for no reason”.

That made me feel horrible and even writing about it now is making me want to cry so maybe I should just quit. I have physical therapy anyway so thanks for reading.