I wrote this entry a few days ago but needed to give it some time to see if I still felt it was significant enough to publish, and apparently it is.
The wife had to take me to physical therapy last Monday morning but she was in the middle of working so needless to say, I called and canceled and said that I would call to reschedule. Five minutes later she said, “do you need me to take you to therapy?”
So we get into the car to go to therapy and I’m late, which I absolutely hate being late for anything. The session went alright and after she picked me up and we were driving she said “I’m hungry”. I said why haven’t you eaten anything?” She said “because I’ve been working”.
we pull into the garage and she turns off the engine and I say “Here’s the receipt for therapy” and she says irritated, “Just hang on” and then snatches it out of my hand.
I don’t know why but the whole thing just pissed me off for the entire day. Therapy is 5 minutes away but she says that she probably can’t take me because she never knows when she has to be on the phone. Okay, fair enough so I can get in-home therapy, not a big deal.
It’s like the other day, the previous Saturday afternoon, she was going to take the kids to the pumpkin patch so she gave me the little boys clothes which told me that when I got him dressed, they’d be ready to go. Meanwhile, she’s talking to a friend of hers on the phone and as soon as I got the boys shorts on him, he had to go pee and didn’t quite make it so I got another pair of underwear and shorts and redressed him.
I walked into the office and said “he’s wearing different clothes because he peed his pants”. She said “I’m not ready to go, Jesus Christ!”
I get almost no joy out of my life except my music and I’m not even sure about that anymore. I mean, yes I enjoy the sonic exploration and all that but it isn’t the escape that it used to be. The little girl always picks on her brother every single day and the wife says “they listen to me better than you” which means that she says “I’m going to spank buts” and then they listen. threats with absolutely no follow through but if I took the steps that I felt were necessary, I’d be called out on the carpet and it would be insinuated that I overreact. The other night, around dinner time, I took a cup from the cupboard and went to get a drink of water. The little girl took it from me and said ‘I want it”. I told her to give it back and the wife says “is it worth it”? I said “I don’t really care, I’m just tired”. I’m tired of people telling me to pick my battles and asking if certain ones are really worth the fight. I’m tired of children not listening to me and not giving me any respect. I’m sick of the laziness that is pervasive around here, the oldest one is a hard worker at his job but feels that he’s exempt from lifting a finger to do chores without being reminded over and over and over.
a thought came into my mind the other day. The only way to get any joy back into my life is to find a serene path to the afterlife because it has to be better than this life on this planet that I’ve been muddling through for the last half century, feeling like I’m nothing more than an actor playing a role, and I’m not even a very good one at that and I have felt for a number of years that I am running out of happy faces.
Do I need professional help? Maybe. Do I need medication to lift the pervasive cloud of darkness that seems to follow me everywhere, even though the wife says “You just want people to think you’re this dark gloomy person but I don’t see it”. Perhaps.
Do I just need to get laid and then have another good fuck? Absolutely but it isn’t happening in this house and hasn’t for years and I don’t see that changing because the times that I have approached her about sex, I get rebuffed and after a while, who wants to experience that, so I just don’t bother anymore. I go to give her a hug and she said ‘I have to be on the phone in 30 seconds, implying that my timing is terrible. It can’t be all the time, that’s just not statistically possible.
Does happiness come from inside like a lot of good intentioned but uneducated people to the ways of matters of depression and dysthymia really contend? Is happiness a choice, a phrase that made Joyce Meyers a good bit of money in the late 80’s or early 90’s? If both of these apparent axioms in the bubbles of the well-intentioned were really true, how many of us would consciously choose to have the darkness that we contend with on a daily basis?
You reading this blog know the answer. It’s a number signifying nothing, an empty circle drawn on a blank piece of paper which is symbolic of the intentional desire not to want to live this way but the reality is that this is the existence we have been given, whether you believe that there is a God who doesn’t really give you anything more than you can actually handle, or whether you subscribe to the belief that a dark life is a result of random collisions of atomic matter in the brain comprised of different chemicals and their imbalances. Perhaps that all makes sense to someone, I don’t know.
Oh here’s something that I do get a bit of joy from every Sunday morning, the weekly newsletter from https://www.brainpickings.org/
Thank you for reading and I appreciate your friendship, though I have been a bit absent from blogging and commenting as of late, but I’m still here, reading.