I can’t even ask a question

As with every morning for the last year, excluding breaks form school, I ask the wife to get the kids clothes.

This year, when I make such a request, she has said for the last couple of days “You don’t have to ask me to get their clothes, just tell me that they have 5 minutes”. I don’t understand at all, wy does it matter?

writing to clear clutter

Often when I write a blog post, I have a particular idea in mind, writing about the lazy house, the wife, something cute the little girl says, etc.

Today, I have no such idea, no exact notion as to why I am writing but, still, I feel I must write and express what??? I’m unclear, not sure, lacking certainty at this very moment.

The children are playing in our bedroom again, and earlier they were playing in the guestroom. Why they want to play in rooms other than the ones where all their toys are, I’ll never know, except to say maybe that, they’re just kids and that’s what children do.

The wife is always there, never present, and it’s like an inversion of one of my favorite albums that I wrote called “Always present but Never Seen”

Here’s the link if you’d like to stream it.

https://scottlawlor.bandcamp.com/album/always-present-but-never-seen

I am particularly fond of the last half of the track myself. When I think of that phrase, it brings to mind God but not in a personal way, more nebulous and impersonal, more in keeping with the deism that I often espouse as my personal belief system, so it’s not surprising that I have that interpretation of God.

I think of the woman I ran into at a technology conference years ago, we were playing piano together and when my friends came back around, I decided to go off with them instead of continuing to play and one of my friends said “She wanted you”. I think about that moment and wonder what would have happened if I had stayed on playing the piano? Who knows but I know that I’m a terrible flirt and am completely oblivious to anything except a direct initiation of such interest.

I think about old friends and am happy to have reconnected with some in recent days. It’s quite an enjoyable experience to recollect happier more carefree times and remember with good friends from long ago.

A dear friend of mine, one who I recently reestablished contact with after close to 31 years, (we connected a bit on Facebook but there’s nothing like hearing a voice) said to me “you seem so happy with your children” or something like that, and though there are a lot of happy moments, some of which I shared here, there’s a darkness always hovering over, sometimes just out of reach, like a wild raging animal waiting to pounce on an innocent and unsuspecting prey.

On the other hand, when I tell my wife that I’m this dark gloomy person she says that it’s just an act, that I’m portraying an image of what I want other people to see.

These apparently diametrically opposing perceptions of myself that people either seem to have or that I seem to be projecting, leave my mind in the middle of a strange paradox, wondering as a philosophy professor once said “What is reality?”

Am I a happy person? I imagine most people who currently know me personally would probably tell you no, though that’s just my perception of their answer since I really haven’t asked the question and you know that other game, the one where you ask people to describe you in one word? I don’t really play that one because it makes me uncomfortable asking for that much attention, however, the one time that I decided to ask the question, the answer I got the most was “different”.

That’s an unusual word you know, “different”. It has duel connotations of being both positive and negative, depending on the context, if that makes sense. If it doesn’t, consider this the writings of someone who is just writing to try to clear some clutter, which brings me to garage sales.

I used to go to garage sales when I was younger, you can find all kinds of cool shit at a garage sale and when I was in Florida visiting my parents, I have a fond memory of my dad and I walking around such a sale, just exploring.

The wife doesn’t like to explore, at least not in those ways, she goes on seek and destroy missions, getting what she wants and then getting the hell out. I suppose that’s more efficient but it also feels a bit cold, at least in my perception of things.

Have you ever felt that the words you use don’t really matter or that no one listens to you? If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ve read about some of that with me. I just want to be heard and not counteracted, I just want the kids to listen when I tell them things, oh I know they won’t all the time, that’s impossible, but sometimes would be a nice change. I want one day where I don’t have to fight with anyone over anything, one day where the little girl doesn’t make her brother cry or scream, just one 24-hour period.

The wife is still looking at houses, she said last night “the one house with the steps in the backyard was reduced by 50 grand so now it’s only $430000 and it’s still in the same school district for the kids. It’s got a big yard but no second bed room downstairs for when we may have to take in elderly parents but we could use the office for a second bedroom. I told her that 4000 square feet is too big that we don’t need that much space.

I am living groundhog day

and I hated that movie but it has become my life.

every single day I ask the kids to do something, it doesn’t matter what but I get met with “just 5 more minutes” or “Just a sec” which turns into a half hour. A polite respectful request soon turns into a shouting match, usually between me and the kids but sometimes between them and their mom. At least the nights are getting a little better with the little girl who is at least not coming downstairs because she forgot a toy.

The wife says “The summer hasn’t been horrible has it” with that tone that implies that if I say that it was, I could just tell it would be marginalized with the “Oh that’s crap” line so why bother at this point? I hope her windows were worth almost a whole summer of the kids being bored. I hope she likes the view and the energy savings because, even though she says that money isn’t everything, she counts the cost of everything and knows the value of nothing, a quote I’ve probably written here a time or two before.

I hate the movie groundhog day.