an interesting question

the other day, the wife and I were talking and she kept saying ‘I just love that lot behind the creek. If we could move our house to that lot, I’d be happy.” I said “Except that the little boy needs to stay in the school he’s in.”

She said “What is your kneejerk reaction to when I talk about wanting another house?”

I said truthfully that it depends on the day, which in part that’s correct.

And then I said “Well, I know that you having a new project to work on would make you happy” and I left it at that.

my internal reaction on the other hand was that it shows how incompatible we are becoming in some respects. She needs more land and a house to always work on, I could live in the same house for my whole life, given that the surroundings didn’t go to hell.

I’m sexually more kinky than she is, and no I won’t bore you with the details, unless you really want to know but most people really don’t so we’ll leave it there and she’s very vanilla.

sex doesn’t cross her mind at all and I think about it quite a bit.

You know what’s odd is that we don’t really fight at all and we are on the same page with a lot of the things with the kids, except for this day camp that I wrote about a little bit ago, which I still think is a good idea, either that or I’m just an acquiescent little puppet who is always being counteracted and maybe a friend of mine is right when she says “it’ll be good for you and the kids for her to travel, that way you can raise the kids the way you want since you do most of the work anyway, you won’t have someone there implying that you’re doing something wrong”. And this is a dear friend who we’ve both known for 5 years.

We don’t disagree about anything regarding the kids in front of them and they can’t play us off each other because we don’t allow that. If one of us says no, the other will too and if we have a disagreement about it, we talk it out when they’re not around.

still, there’s this sense that I’ve had for probably a few years that we’re just roommates raising the kids and I have to be honest and say that if I could have seen what my future was going to look like 12 years ago, I probably would have made some different decisions, about what, I can’t exactly say. I’m just feeling a bit reflective I suppose and just needed to write for a bit.

As always, thanks for reading.

father’s day

The wife just told me that we’re going out for Father’s day tonight since her dad is here and the little girl asked “when is father’s day?’ The wife said “tomorrow” and the little girl said “is father the same as daddy? and the wife said “yes”

The little girl said “I’ll have to make a card for him but I don’t know how”. The wife said “You do so know how to make cards” and the girl said “But not in Braille”.

math, cookies and grapes

The little girl had some grapes but she wanted some cookies so I said, you can have 1 cookie for every 5 grapes you eat.

“How many grapes did you eat so far”? I asked. She said “11” I said how many cookies do you want”? she said “3”

I asked “How many more grapes do you need to get 3 cookies? “She said, without hesitation “5”. she’s smart for being 6

it’s time to take a risk

Hello.

I am about to release my most controversial album ever and this one may make me lose some followers but I figure if an artist isn’t granted license by virtue of worrying about followers, stats and likes, perhaps it’s no longer art for that person but a product.

This album will certainly offend the hell out of the politically correct crowd but I believe it is about time that this group of people got a rude awakening because they have twisted and perverted a concept of tolerance and respect into submissive acquiescence and capitulation by surrendering their own beliefs and values to appease the mob rule of the crowds who will never be satisfied with their efforts to compromise and agree. I don’t want to say much more about the album right now but it’s definitely not my usual cosmic, dark ambient or ethereal ambient work, though it does have a dark ambient track and I don’t know exactly when I’m going to release it, probably at the beginning of July and though the concept was inspired by recent events, the album addresses something more profound like I try to do with the political art that I attempt to produce that I also understand doesn’t have the same following as my neutral material and other conceptualizations based on literature.

Sometimes an artist needs to just go off the path of predictability and follow the muse where it goes, even if those places aren’t always pleasant to the listener, even if they may contradict conventional wisdom regarding a specific topic of political and cultural relevance.

helping in times of tragedy

Hello.

After hearing about the tragic events in Orlando on twitter yesterday, I have come to the conclusion that I want to help in any small way that I can.

For the rest of June, any album purchased on my bandcamp site, http;://scottlawlor.bandcamp.com/ the full proceeds of that album will be donated to the red cross, a worthy organization who is there when people need them the most.

I usually don’t request that people like, share or retweet information but in this case, I think the request is justifiable and also necessary to get the word out.

I appreciate your support of my music and your generosity to help out where you’re able to.

summer is my favorite season, not!!!

The wife’s mother is down for the week so I’ve been busy with a lot of kitchen related activities, like I probably mentioned whenever I blogged last.

This morning, after we all returned from having breakfast out, the wife decided to try to get the kids registered for a summer program at a place where they were registered last year. She waited until 2 days before she wanted the kids enrolled on the basis that, when she asked the woman at the program a few weeks ago if it would be full during that time, she said “it’s never full”. My question is why would she trust someone in the program to tell her something different?

She never plans anything at all and now that there’s almost nothing available and she’ll be starting a new job she says to me “is it worth $1500 for the summer to put the kids in a program? That’ll cut down on our ability to get a pool or get more windows for the house”.

If I said “I think it’s worth the money, she’d come back and ask “why?” I know she would.

She says, “Okay, let’s have a schedule, you can take them to the park in the morning when it’s not so hot, and during my lunch, I can take them to the pool for an hour”. I wanted to call absolute bullshit on that one because she knows how focused she is when she’s at work and she usually loses track of time anyway. And then she says “I’ll do my part to keep the schedule? I just had to laugh on the inside at the ridiculousness of that crap.

I can’t drive them anywhere and the only place around here to go is the park which they always get bored with pretty quickly. Now, if I could drive there would be a ton of different options and when I say stuff like “I wish I could drive so I could help out more” she says “this is the life we have”.

The other day, I read a post about finding one thing that gives you hope and hanging onto that to get you through the dark times in your life, or something like that and even the things that I used to enjoy aren’t as attractive as they used to be. I’m experimenting more with my music and though I’m coming up with some interesting ideas, playing doesn’t have the therapeutic value that it used to have.

I remember reading a story about a guy who got in the bathtub to cut his wrists and after he had made the first cut, he started thinking about all the things he still wanted to do and I started thinking, what would my list be?

Why is it worth $1500 or whatever the price was for that summer program? Is it for my peace of mind so that I have a break from the kids? well, partly but it’s also for them. I know that they get bored around the house because I can’t really take them anywhere and though being a human slide, bridge and balance beam is fun for all of us, it’s not exactly a program of mental exercise to keep them going in the summer so that they don’t lose everything they’ve learned the year before in school.

I’m just tired of everything, tired of always being counteracted at every turn, being asked why when I don’t agree with something but then when I try to explain some reason why I didn’t do something else, I get told “You don’t have to justify it, it was just a question”, tired of the children not ever listening, tired of having to remind the teenager to do the one chore that his mom assigned because, years ago, when I suggested that he have another chore like sweeping, she said “I’ll just have to do it anyway because he won’t do it right”, and the summer really hasn’t even begun yet.