an update

I know that I haven’t written in a while so I thought I’d take some time and give you guys an update.

First, I’m listening to drone excursion 014 and I have no fucking clue what to title it, nothing at all. Nothing’s coming to mind, nothing is sounding good, nothing is jumping out at me. It’s pretty minimal and it’s got some weird harmonics that I’m not sure I like so I may scrap it and do something different although those are gone now so maybe it’ll be okay.

The wife got another job offer with a little less salary and less benefits and she was torn, as she usually is about these kinds of things so she asked me what should she do? I said “if it were me, I’d take the job with less money and vacation if it meant I’d be happy.”

She said “but I’ll lose that two weeks at Christmas, it isn’t as much money and the benefits aren’t that good.” I said “There’s more to life than money” and she said “I know” and I thought to myself “why do you ask for my opinion on anything when you’re just going to counteract it”?

there’s that weird harmonic again, maybe I do need to redo this one after all.

She was able to negotiate the salary up a little but it wasn’t where she really wanted it so she’s staying with her current company on the promise that they’re going to give her more money and give her work that she actually enjoys doing, and she’s going to Demark at the end of April. I never get to go anywhere.

I saw one of the most disturbing movies the other week, a movie I haven’t seen since it aired in 1992 called “Child of Rage”. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone but if you haven’t seen it, it’s pretty messed up and it’s based on a true story. There are scenes in there that still haunt me a little.

My desert nocturnes project was finished last Saturday night, after taking most of the day to move around 1500 pounds of sod from a trailer in the front yard to the backyard so the wife could lay it on the dirt that me, her dad and the teenager moved over there the day before.

The collection costs $10 but it’s 40 tracks at just over 24 hours of brand new music. Here’s the link just in case you’re interested.

https://scottlawlor.bandcamp.com/album/desert-nocturnes-ambient-excursions-f or-the-season-of-lent

I haven’t really been feeling motivated to work on collaborations with other people or do much of anything around here over the last week or so but I still manage to get everything done that I need to.

My daughter and I aren’t really fighting to get her ready for school in the morning so that makes an unbearable time of the day a little easier to get through. I am not at all a morning person. In fact, a friend of mine said “You shouldn’t even talk to anyone or do anything until you have your first cup of coffee”. He’s probably right, but I don’t get my first cup of coffee until after I drop the little girl off at school anyway.

what’s the purpose of the cultural institution

besides that being a great title for a noise track, since I’m getting into composing in that genre, though a lot of people would say that composing noise is a lesson in opposites, but anyway, the question stemmed from a conversation we were having around the dinner table last night.

The teenager and his girlfriend are spending spring break here, meaning that she flew in on Saturday and will be leaving in 2 days.

anyway, she said that her sister wasn’t getting married after all and the wife says "on that’s not a big deal. If we had to do it all over again, we wouldn’t have gotten married, I mean, we like each other and all…" which reminded me of another conversation we had or rather, her expressing her thoughts on a marriage license being just a piece of paper.

None of this surprises me since we actually share common notions on the whole institution of marriage and the sacredness that seems to be a pretty culturally significant part of it, at least in recent times and it’s just annoying when politicians go on about marriage being between a man and a woman. That’s none of their business or the business of the government but I really don’t want to go into that any further than I have.

Besides, I haven’t written in a while so I thought I’d write about something.

The kids are on spring break and I’m still working on new music while trying to find the motivation to move everything over to my new windows 10 machine that I got, not out of wanting one but out of the necessity to keep up with this technology that, in part allows me to do what I actually enjoy while simultaneously leading me to wish that I could take up residency in a cave and become a hermit.

a sad reminder

I read this on the internet and though I have seen it before, it’s still appropriate to post it anyway.

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"

SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"

DAD: "That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"

SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"

DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."

SON: "Oh! (With his head down).

SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"

The father was furious.

DAD: "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard every day for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:

Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"

SON: "No daddy, I’m awake".

DAD: "I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.

SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"

SON: "Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do.

"Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

Some things are more important.

maybe I really do need help

the internal rage that I feel this morning as my daughter screams at me "I am!" after I tell her for the 8th time, to come downstairs and get ready for school is so palpable, I had to resist the very real and almost tangible urge to fling all the dirty plastic bowls across the kitchen. I imagined myself screaming, and maybe it was internal but I hate my life, my kids piss me off and I want a fucking divorce so I can just get the hell out of here.

I feel like I’m even running out of sad faces, though the happy ones disappeared years ago. And the paradox of it all is while I’m writing this, I asked my daughter how far along she was in getting dressed and she told me and then said "my shoes are right here"> I said "You need to get a pair of socks because you can’t wear shoes without socks"> Then she started to laugh and that made me feel a little bit better.

If I left, I would miss their laughter and the ability to make them laugh but I wouldn’t miss everything else, the fighting, the lazy people, and the teenager said "I’ll be happy when I move out because I won’t have to take out recycle anymore.