initiative doesn’t exist

When I woke up this morning and was starting to get the coffee ready, the wife said "The blueberries were left out all night. That can’t be good for them".

I was immediately annoyed because I’m not the only one in this house who knows that there’s fruit on the counter that needs to be rinsed off and put away. You’d think that I wasn’t the blind person in the house as much as things don’t get done without me doing them.

Then she said "did I put you in a bad mood? I’m sorry."

sudden departure

When I woke up on Monday morning, I had a group text from my mother informing us that our cousin Cristina died in a car crash.

The little boy was home sick that day and the day after so I really didn’t have the opportunity that I wanted to call my aunt to talk to her so I called her this morning while my parents were on the way from Florida for the funeral.

I can’t imagine how difficult it is to lose a daughter but she said it’s even harder for the sons she left behind and that the first day was a shock and that reality started to hit after she made the funeral arrangements.

I have often wondered why do we have such a high discomfort level when it comes to acknowledging the death of a loved one? It’s even in our language, we don’t say someone died, we say he or she passed and I don’t know if doctors use the word expired anymore, or maybe that was just in the movies.

But then, I felt bad that I felt uncomfortable myself about it at the very time that someone just needed me to listen, not "do anything" just be there, even if it was on the other end of a phone call.

Even though my cousin and I weren’t close, not because of anything personal, just distance, I still feel a very profound sense of sadness and loss.

So I do what I know how to do best, I went to my music and even though I am currently working on this desert Nocturnes project, writing 40 pieces of music for each of the 40 days of Lent, and last night’s performance is a part of that series, I wrote the music for my cousin and I hope that, if the family hears it, or those who I tagged anyway, that it will bring a bit of comfort for them at this most difficult time.

So here’s the music that I played last night if you’d like to hear it. It’s around a half hour so thanks for listening if you’re inclined to do so and thanks, as always for reading and following my blog.

http://soundcloud.com/sklawlor/06-day-06-on-celestial-beings

a suggestion from a friend

the other day I posted about giving up night time snacking in favor of music composition for Lent which begins today.

I got a text from a friend that said "I think for Lent you should give up impatience rather than snacking".

My response to her, and to all of you who I’m hoping can give me some advice, was "how do you do that"?

Whether it’s snacking or impatience, or both that I give up, the musical project is still on schedule with the title Desert Nocturnes, available on my bandcamp page as a subscription only feature for now. I’m experimenting a bit with this so we’ll see how it goes.

can I do this?

Even though I’m not Catholic, Lent is coming up and I’ve come up with a new concept to work on.

40 drones for the 40 days of Lent to be made available on my bandcamp page.

though I think I’ll do these with no artwork, a bit unusual but here’s why. This is a personal project as well as musical and it will begin the night of Ash Wednesday and run until Easter. I’m thinking of calling the series Drones for Lent but that sounds too generic. I also need to cut down on snacking at night so if I commit to making music during the time of night when I’m most likely to indulge in this activity, my hope is that the habit will be broken and you’ll get some cool drones in the process. A win win situation for my health and the people who listen to my music and take their own sonic journeys. The reason for not doing artwork is twofold. First it would be difficult to get artwork for each of the 40 drones, especially on such short notice, and second, without artwork, the listeners imagination isn’t influenced at all with regards to whatever musical experience he or she might gain from such a project.

how do you respond to that?

This morning, I had to deal with the little girl wetting her bed on purpose. The reason that I know it was intentional was because when I went to wake her up this morning, she was on the bottom bed. When I went back in after giving her 5 minutes, she was on the top bunk and she said that her bed was wet. I told the wife and her response was "she’s your daughter. I don’t even know what to do about that or how to address it. Every morning with her is a fight of some kind.

However, when she went into the laundry room to get a pair of socks, she said "Daddy, the laundry basket is on top of the socks". I removed it and she started laughing. I said "What’s so funny?" and she said "The socks are all flat" and just kept laughing which then made me laugh. She said "Stop laughing or I’ll get the hiccups.

another cheery morning, yay

My day started out a little rough as they usually do with my daughter. I gave her 5 minutes as usual before she needs to get out of bed and when I went up there, her bed was empty and when I called for her, she didn’t answer. She does this all the time and so as not to wake up the 4-year-old, I didn’t yell for her but just kept looking around parts of the house.

She finally answered me and I just lost it on her.

She knows that I can’t see her so when she deliberately doesn’t answer me when I call her, I take it as a form of blatant disrespect for my situation and outright defiance.

Yelling didn’t work and the wife is totally against spanking but there are times when I feel that it’s warranted and this was one of those times. She has got to learn that it’s not okay not to answer me.

We were singing bingo on the way to school so everything was back to normal before we even left but I was thinking in the back of my mind "her and I shouldn’t have to live this way, fighting every morning just to get her up and ready for school. Does the wife help out? No, she just lays in bed, hearing everything but not offering to assist, unless I go in there and ask her to and I shouldn’t have to be the one who always has to ask for help.

I’m always saying "if you need me or my help, I’m always here" it’s never ever the other way.