the first fire of the season

We’ve got a fire going in the fireplace and the kids are watching ice age Christmas. The little girl was super excited about the fire and helped me bring in some wood from the garage. She asked the wife to light the candles and while she was doing that, she asked her if she could watch a movie and she yelled "Jesus, just wait! I can only do one thing at a time. God!" She’s just excited about the fire but that’s just how things are around here. "go see daddy" is a common phrase but "go see mommy" isn’t.

I would have rather watched finding nemo as that’s easier for me to follow but at least I can go in and enjoy the fire, now that I got everyone hooked up with their candy and other snacks.

if timing is everything, I am but a giant void

I hope all of you had a merry and joyous Christmas.

If you’d like some different Christmas entertainment as background to wind down your festivities, you could tune into http://stillstream/ where I am broadcasting my Christmas special until midnight central time.

The day started out alright, the kids had presents to unwrap and I was in charge of security sabotage and that sort of thing.

Since the wife is still on her knee scooter, the teenager and I, with the help of her dad at the end, who was fucking pissy because we were in the kitchen and not him doing things the way he likes, but he actually helped at the end.

I thought it would be a good idea to start prepping stuff a bit early so I rinsed, cut and cooked the potatoes for mashing.

as I was straining the potatoes, the wife came in and said "the ham is going to take two hours to cook and if those potatoes aren’t in water, they’re just going to get all mushy. Just leave them there and I’ll figure out what to do with them" This was immediately after she said "this is a total disaster" after the teenager and I had worked on getting the sweet potato casserole and the green bean casserole finished.

My daughter helped me pick out the green beans from the various cans in the pantry and like I always do, I thanked for being such a great helper.

after the wife said that stupid shit about the potatoes, I just walked away and fought very hard the attempt to tell her to fucking go to hell and fling a glass across the room in her general direction, hoping like hell there wouldn’t be an innocent casualty, meaning one of the three kids.

after all that, the little boy and I were in the kitchen while her dad was doing some cooking and I picked him up and just turned him upside down like it likes. the wife says "That’s a really bad idea to play with him in the kitchen while dad’s in there, it’s just going to piss him off and he’s going to leave".

I thought to myself "fuck this shit, I’m sick and tired of fucking walking on god damned eggshells around this stupid place because someone will either get pissed off.

My timing always sucks, I cook the potatoes too soon, I go to give her a hug "ten seconds before she has to be on the phone" etc.

Is it possible for a person’s timing to be off 1005 of the time or is this all her?

I really wish I had somewhere I could escape to for a couple of weeks just to give myself some space, have some quietude to ponder my life and let them know what it’s like to not have a continual unappreciated overused support system.

I apologize for such a bitter post on what, for a lot of people is a festive day but I figured, if anyone would understand all this, it would be you guys, the people I consider to be my friends in a world where I seem to feel emptier and emptier as every 24 cycle passes and merges into the next one.

Thank you for reading, for your comments and for your friendships.

water water everywhere

the little girl spilled the wife’s huge cup of water that she kept on the table, after she asked her several times to be careful.

The wife said "go get a towel, run!"

So she ran to get a towel, all the while crying because her brother was bothering her. She asked me to help because she couldn’t get down on the floor so I got down and wipe up the water, noticed that her magazines were wet so I commented "well this shit is all ruined".

She said "Jesus Christ, I live in a house full of children. I don’t call your stuff shit!"

I said "don’t talk to me!" and didn’t say anything more because my mother always told me "if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all" which is why I write everything out.

I was left home again with the kids while the wife and the teenager went out to look for bathroom tile for the remodeling that’s going to happen and tomorrow she’s going to help her friend Michael with a problem he’s having with his house so I’ll be here again by myself with the kids.

an interesting insight

a friend and I and the wife were talking about how after you have a kid, it either makes you or breaks you. The wife said, I got mature real fast after I had the first one". I said "the jury is still out for me" and both women started laughing and my friend said "Since I’ve known you, you’ve gotten a lot more patient with the kids" and I said "I don’t see that." Then the wife says "it’s probably because I pick on you all the time and that’s why you can’t appreciate how far you’ve come".

Is anyone shocked by this?

great. more stupid shit

the little girl spilled some water on the floor and wouldn’t clean it up. I told her to get a towel and clean up the water by the stairs, if that’s where she spilled it.

I walked over to the stairs with a towel and the wife says "if she spilled it, let her clean it up."

I said "I have to verify that there’s a mess before she cleans it because she could lie to me and tell me that there either isn’t a mess to clean up or that she cleaned up the mess when she didn’t."

then she said "Or you could take a half hour looking for the mess, just let her do it".

You know, screw her and her stupid shit. If she doesn’t like the way I try to manage things, than she can kiss my fucking ass.

Sometimes it royally sucks being a blind parent.

always seem so angry

I wonder if I really do need medication as often as I want to hit things.

The wife is working as always so I’m about to take the kids to the park. Not a bad thing to do and it’s usually pretty enjoyable for us except it doesn’t always start out that way.

For instance, I asked the little boy to get my cane and when he brought it to me, the little girl cried that she wanted to get it and unfold it for me. I told her that she wasn’t the only child in this house and she said "I wish I was". Probably a pretty common thing for kids to say so I didn’t think much of that. I told her to go to her room until she could calm down so she stomped up the stairs and on the floor and I said "the more you stomp, the longer it will be until we go to the park".

While she was upstairs, I put the cane back into the drawer and when she came back downstairs, I told her that after she got her shoes on, she could get and unfold my cane for me.

long tired day

follow up to my blog entry from earlier.

after the wife said that she didn’t want to take the kids to the parade, my daughter said that she wanted a pop tart so I got out a package and suggested that she share them with her brother so we wouldn’t waste food. She said "But I always eat two" which is totally untrue.

I was still sad by what the wife said earlier, after all, how are the kids ever going to learn to listen if they’re not given chances to do so in public places, or know how to act, or anything?

After I told the little girl she couldn’t have two pop tarts, she said "Fine, I won’t have any, and she stomped around the kitchen.

I wanted to hit something so I just threw the pop tarts across the room and said "Fine, you want them go find them!"

The wife said that was a horrible example to set and I thought to myself "then you can have their biological father raise them if I’m setting such a horrible example". which I didn’t say out loud, after all, I have some control, but I feel even that’s slipping away.

The wife is still on her knee scooter and can’t put any weight on her one foot until after the new year, something I might have mentioned so she asked the teenager to install a chandelier in the kitchen so while they were working on that, I took the kids to the park. They played on the slides and the swings and climbed rocks and all that and it was okay.

we later all went out to dinner and the kids behaved surprisingly well for once so that was nice, though I should have gotten a salad instead of that stupid deep dish pizza but none of the salad options sounded good at that moment.

I don’t know, I’m just tired of being told wat to do, being suggested to as how to do things better or in what order, depending on the task, and being told that certain battles aren’t worth it and I’m tired of fighting every day with someone over something and I have these times when I wish I was just alone because I’d only have to live with me.