communication breakdown

no it’s not the Led Zeppelin song form their first album in 1968, though that’s a great album.

I give you two examples of how the word drives me absolutely out of my head regarding communication and our differences.

This morning, I put the last of the ice in her ice packs for her foot and I said, more to myself as a reminder, "we need to get more ice". She said that’s not happening, I can’t go anywhere. I said "nurses use the collective ‘we’, haven’t you heard that?" She said "No". I then said "Okay, I need to arrange to get more ice" and she said "Now that, I can get behind".

A minute later, I then said, more to myself "I wonder if the cat will walk across the keyboard again?" Last night she walked across the keys and it made me laugh so I was thinking about that as I spoke those words, not necessarily a direct question but more just wondering. She says "Right nor or eventually?"

I just walked away to make her coffee.

Sure, by itself, it’s not a big deal at all and it may even be something to chuckle at but with everything else, it just annoyed the hell out of me for just a minute.

at least I arranged to get the ice.

happy Thanksgiving

Hi all.

I’d like to take this opportunity to wish each of you a happy and Joyous Thanksgiving holiday and to give you a short update.

The wife had surgery on Tuesday for her bone spur that she’s had for 22 years. I think I may have mentioned that. They had to detach the Achilles tendon, cut out the spur and then reattach the tendon. As a result, she can’t be on that foot at all for two weeks. As a result, we’re having a very light Thanksgiving dinner this year and her dad is helping out with that.

On Tuesday her dad brought her to the hospital for her surgery, picked her up and brought her home and was out of the house pretty shortly after that. I had the impression that he really didn’t want to hang around to help too much.

And after she drove all the night through to Colorado to get him from his motorcycle wreck and after I waited on him hand and foot while still watching the kids while she worked? I just had to shake my head, not necessarily in disbelief but in the recognition of the reality that it’s just the way it is.

One day after her surgery, the wife was back at work, doing her work in the living room which was a horrible idea. Regardless of what I’d say, she had to find it out for herself and you guys know why so I won’t hammer home that point again.

The little boy unplugged her laptop which made her lose some of her work. She yelled at him which made him cry and go off alone to the guest room. The little girl would ask her a question and I don’t know how many times she yelled ‘I am working", "I am fucking working".

I took the kids to the park for a couple of hours and then a friend of mine took the little boy with her youngest to the grocery store and I took her other little boy and the little girl back to the park and ran them ragged, playing chasing games. watch a blind man chase two little ones around an open park and you’ll get a laugh for a while.

On a positive artistic note, I composed a long-form ambient track based on a time interval and since I’m using a timer to measure when she needs to take her meds, I figured, why not put the time to another artistic use by creating a drone? She is always saying that I make my drones by putting a brick on the keys so I’m using the eventide space pedal and resting it on some black keys to create the main portion of the drone, and I have an effect set up with one of the knobs that I’m turning every so often and playing random notes along the way to help the drone evolve. The working title is "medication interval" though I don’t know if I’ll release it yet.

The original drone is 3 hours, it was supposed to be 4 but the little girl wrecked the first hour by taking the pedal off the keys and trying to play twinkle twinkle little star. I didn’t get to upset, maybe just a little and then I thought, it’s not a big deal, I’ll just go with the shorter interval.

After the first version was finished, I decided to time stretch it by a factor of 6 to create a 17.5 hour drone to create a sonic space of being in a brain fog which she said she’s been in since the surgery was over. Now this one, I may add more elements, perhaps some industrial ambience during the times when her pain medication would start wearing off, maybe every three hours, have an hour or 45 minutes of more heavy metallic drone to represent the gradual return and then alleviation of the pain, if that all makes sense. It’s just a thought I’m having since I like to find ways to incorporate my creativity into most aspects of my existence.

the saddest thing

The little girl came downstairs and said "Daddy, I made up a Christmas song, do you want to hear it?" I said "yes, after you take off your diaper." She said okay, did what I asked and sang me the song.

After she was done, I told her what a cute song it was and that, if her mom isn’t on the phone, she should go sing it to her.

She said "But what if she tells me to go away or get out of here?"

I think that’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard her say. How do you respond to an unfortunate truth with something that will help make her feel better without saying something that is untrue? No 5-year-old should have to ask a question like that and, sure, I know there are a lot of kids who have it way worse and saying that is a way to marginalize the situation and I really should know better and that’s not something I would ever say to her, it’s just the inner dialog that going on as I’m writing.

I don’t know, it just made me sad, that’s all.

Christmas isn’t fun anymore

it saddens me to write these words because I had this vision in my head of the family being like it was when I was a kid in a way, the kids and parents decorating the Christmas tree. for us, it was always a fun time and it was always something we enjoyed.

The wife got the Christmas tree up while me and the kids were at the park and since it was a really cold day out here in Texas, and the little boy wanted to come home sooner, that’s what happened. As a result, she didn’t get to do everything she wanted to do without them to get in her way.

So she just leaves the containers of ornaments out, goes to run some errands and I have to try to keep the kids out of them. It worked a little bit but then she came home to drop off a kitten that she bought and then left again and then we couldn’t find the kitten after it went behind the recliner…This is a big house so she could be anywhere.

One thing that made me laugh was when one of the kids put a pair of underwear on the tree. I tried to keep the reaction to myself, don’t want to encourage that you know.

It reminded me of this clip form one of my favorite tv shows.

Anyway, after dinner the wife started trying to decorate the tree and the kids just wanted to help like they want to do but they weren’t listening when she would say to just not grab ornaments that could break so she would yell at them to stop and I thought to myself "we need to just skip Christmas next year because I don’t want to hear all this yelling". The kids wanted to help before she was ready to decorate while she was fluffing the tree and they were getting on her nerves so I told the little girl, "go up and watch one tv show and then you can help decorate, either that or we’re going to decorate the tree after you go to bed". There was probably a better way to handle that but that was the best I could do in that moment.

For someone who doesn’t want to yell at the kids, it seems to be her first resort, and sometimes mine, I’ll admit but she’s the one who says that yelling sends her blood pressure up and puts her in fight or flight mode.

So after the kids went to bed, did she and I finish decorating the tree? No, she fed her geckos and went to bed. She just didn’t feel like decorating the tree. Oh, and as for the kitten, she says "it’ll turn up".

we had a new pet…for a few hours anyway

On Wednesday, the two little ones asked to go to the park.

Since the wife was working and then had to go to the grocery store where she really never made it because of her autopilot, I usually take them on nice days, they get to play and, once in a while, I meet another parent.

around the corner from our house, the little girl said in excitement, "Kitty!!!" and she and her brother took off after the animal.

It eventually came back to where I was standing and was following my cane as I traveled the sidewalk, once in a while rubbing up against my legs.

She said "Daddy, can we keep it?"

I said "I don’t know, it might be someone else’s’ cat. she said "it doesn’t have a collar so it came out of nowhere."

We kept walking to the park and around halfway there, the cat went into a storm drain. This made the little boy cry and the little girl was sad. After a couple of minutes, the cat came out and she enthusiastically said ‘the cat is back!" and they ran off after the cat again.

I asked them several times to come over to where I was because we needed to get back home and eventually, they listened and she cried good-bye kitty, which actually almost made me cry. there must be something wrong with me because, writing about this is almost making me cry as well. I don’t know what’s going on.

Traveling back from halfway to the park and the house, I didn’t hear the kids so I assumed that maybe they had ran off to the house ahead of me. Sometimes that happens but when I got to the house, there were no kids.

I went back to the park, feeling pissed off because they really never listen and in the grand picture, I don’t really get any respect around here anyway, but I got to the park, and still no kids.

I went back home and the door was open and they were in the house and the little girl said "the kitty is in the house." I asked how that happened and she said "we accidentally left the door open and the cat accidentally followed us into the house."

She got a can of cat food from the closet, put it in a little plastic bowl from her play kitchen, then went out to the garage to get the litter box and the cat carrier.

I texted the wife and said "You might as well pick up some cat litter, I guess we have a new pet."

The little girl said "I promise I’ll take care of her, I’ll feed her and give her water". I said "who’s going to change the litterbox?" She said "You, daddy"> and I thought to myself I always get the shit end of the stick don’t I?

When the wife got home, she said "that’s someone else’s cat" and being the kind of people we are, I called a friend of mine who is pretty good at getting animals back to their owners. Between her and the wife who put a picture on her Facebook page, we learned who the owner was.

So we may be going to look for a cat this weekend and it’ll be just another lifeform that I have to take care of, though I like cats better than children, honestly.

another weekend of the absentee mother

this weekend the wife is finishing up laying the floor on the second story and she’s working for her client that she claims will never let her quit.

The children and I went to the park twice yesterday and I wished I haven’t come home between park times. Here’s what happened.

They were playing in the back yard and I heard the little boy starting to cry like his sister was picking on him, which is normal. I try to let them work it out because they have to learn how to do that so when he came in crying and shut the door, I figured that it was alright because at least they were separated. After a couple of minutes, I heard the little girl trying to come in and I realized that the little boy had lock his sister out of the house, something we both told him is not okay.

I unlocked the door and his sister said that he had locked her out.

Without thinking, which I know that I’m not the best as, I gave him a small spank on the bottom and told him that he’s not supposed to lock his sister out of the house.

Just after that, the wife says from upstairs, "You realized what just happened don’t you? He was trying to protect himself from his sister the only way he knows how and you told him it’s not okay. That’s the message he got".

I’m still pissed off about that and when I call the little boy and he doesn’t answer me so I have to yell a little louder because I don’t always know where he is, all she does is yell back at him "answer your daddy".

She’s going to have surgery in a week and a half to remove a bone spur that she’s had since she was 17. It took her years of pain before she actually decided to see the doctor about it so after her surgery, they told her that she won’t be fully recovered for 6 months to a year. that means no working on the house or working in the yard and she says "it’ll be interesting to have a year where I just focus on myself" and I thought internally "what will she discover"?