the story of Alex

As promised a long time ago on the blog, here is one of the backstories, a chapter that a lot of people don’t know about.

I gave up a son for adoption back in 1999. I had gotten my girlfriend pregnant which neither of us thought would happen since we both thought we couldn’t have kids. When I came home from work the afternoon she told me, my first words were "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that to you".

I knew that I didn’t want to be a parent right away but I went to the Lamaze classes, tried to help coach her through the birth, which ended up being a traumatic experience anyway. She had to have an emergency c section after 36 hours of labor, a transfusion because of an enormous blood loss, and she had an allergic reaction to the morphine which caused her to stop breathing. There could only be one person in the room while she was having her C-section and she chose her mother. Not surprising as enmeshed as they were. After he was born they gave him to me and I felt no emotions, I was like "what am I supposed to do with this?"

My parents, who lived about an hour and a half away wouldn’t even come up to see the child and when I asked my mom why that was, she said that after my older brother had a son, I guess his mom’s parents told my mom that she would never be able to see the boy since my brother and his wife were in the middle of a divorce and she didn’t want to take the risk that my girlfriend’s parents would say the same thing so she just didn’t come around.

It was a month later that I told my GF that I didn’t want to be a parent and there were all kinds of dramatics, especially from her mom who was crying and screaming "he didn’t ask to be born, stuff like that. She told me that she was leaving with the baby to see if she could be a single parent so when I came home from work one day, she, the baby and her mom were gone and I had come home to an empty apartment, empty of people but a lot of her stuff was still there. When she was away, we talked a little on the phone and I didn’t tell her that I missed her because I didn’t want my feelings to influence her decision about trying to be a mother. She decided to give the child to her cousin who couldn’t have kids and around a month later, she returned from Ohio to Florida and in 2000, I had a vasectomy.

She didn’t tell me she was pregnant until almost 5 months in and I’ve heard that women can sometimes not know they’re pregnant but I remember my sister suggested, years later, that she knew all along that she was pregnant and didn’t want to tell me because she wanted to give the baby to her cousin anyway.

I have tried a couple of times, over the years, to find out where he is, and after the woman and I broke up, I sent her an email letting her know where I was in case the boy needed anything but never got a response back from her in all these years.

During that whole ordeal, I had felt guilty because she almost died and people told me that it takes two to tango and it would be a long time before I would come to terms with all that.

You know, whenever I would spend some time trying to find out any information about him, I would always come away with a strange feeling, something that I’m not sure how to classify, I wouldn’t say sadness, but maybe a bit of an empty feeling?

If he ever decided that he wanted to know about me, I have always said that I would be open to meeting him if it came to that and I’m really not hard to find.

Well, that’s the story of Alex, though I know that his adopted parents changed his name to Ethen and I think kept Alex as the middle name.


4 thoughts on “the story of Alex

  1. Oh my, wow that’s some pretty heavy shit man. Some people just don’t want to be parents-and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t think it was right of the ex and her mom trying to guilt you into being a parent.
    You have tried to reach out and that’s a hard thing to do. I can empathize with the feelings of emptiness, though not from your perspective. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure this was not an easy post to do {Hugs}

    Liked by 1 person

  2. SD Gates says:

    I’m with my Sassy friend on this one. That is a lot to carry around, but I believe it is better to find the child a home where he will be wanted and well taken care of, but I am sure it is a very hard thing to always wonder how he is doing and what kind of person he has grown into.


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