I’m going to scare the hell out of you

Hello.

I have two spooky releases out today for Halloween.

The first is called mundi phantasmata with nox intempesta, a project that I have with Sevenism.

https://scottlawlor.bandcamp.com/album/mundi-phantasmata

The second horrifying trick I have for you is an album with Rebekkah Hilgraves, a terrifying journey into the fog.

You can download this album from https://auralfilms.bandcamp.com/album/the-fog

Thank you for listening.

the story of Alex

As promised a long time ago on the blog, here is one of the backstories, a chapter that a lot of people don’t know about.

I gave up a son for adoption back in 1999. I had gotten my girlfriend pregnant which neither of us thought would happen since we both thought we couldn’t have kids. When I came home from work the afternoon she told me, my first words were "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that to you".

I knew that I didn’t want to be a parent right away but I went to the Lamaze classes, tried to help coach her through the birth, which ended up being a traumatic experience anyway. She had to have an emergency c section after 36 hours of labor, a transfusion because of an enormous blood loss, and she had an allergic reaction to the morphine which caused her to stop breathing. There could only be one person in the room while she was having her C-section and she chose her mother. Not surprising as enmeshed as they were. After he was born they gave him to me and I felt no emotions, I was like "what am I supposed to do with this?"

My parents, who lived about an hour and a half away wouldn’t even come up to see the child and when I asked my mom why that was, she said that after my older brother had a son, I guess his mom’s parents told my mom that she would never be able to see the boy since my brother and his wife were in the middle of a divorce and she didn’t want to take the risk that my girlfriend’s parents would say the same thing so she just didn’t come around.

It was a month later that I told my GF that I didn’t want to be a parent and there were all kinds of dramatics, especially from her mom who was crying and screaming "he didn’t ask to be born, stuff like that. She told me that she was leaving with the baby to see if she could be a single parent so when I came home from work one day, she, the baby and her mom were gone and I had come home to an empty apartment, empty of people but a lot of her stuff was still there. When she was away, we talked a little on the phone and I didn’t tell her that I missed her because I didn’t want my feelings to influence her decision about trying to be a mother. She decided to give the child to her cousin who couldn’t have kids and around a month later, she returned from Ohio to Florida and in 2000, I had a vasectomy.

She didn’t tell me she was pregnant until almost 5 months in and I’ve heard that women can sometimes not know they’re pregnant but I remember my sister suggested, years later, that she knew all along that she was pregnant and didn’t want to tell me because she wanted to give the baby to her cousin anyway.

I have tried a couple of times, over the years, to find out where he is, and after the woman and I broke up, I sent her an email letting her know where I was in case the boy needed anything but never got a response back from her in all these years.

During that whole ordeal, I had felt guilty because she almost died and people told me that it takes two to tango and it would be a long time before I would come to terms with all that.

You know, whenever I would spend some time trying to find out any information about him, I would always come away with a strange feeling, something that I’m not sure how to classify, I wouldn’t say sadness, but maybe a bit of an empty feeling?

If he ever decided that he wanted to know about me, I have always said that I would be open to meeting him if it came to that and I’m really not hard to find.

Well, that’s the story of Alex, though I know that his adopted parents changed his name to Ethen and I think kept Alex as the middle name.

I didn’t know that I was a trigger

This morning, I woke up half an hour late and she the little girl was a bit late getting to school. I hate being late to anything or being the cause of someone else being late, it’s just how I am so that threw my whole day off.

The wife said that I woke up so angry and that it wasn’t the end of the world if she was late and she’s right but I was annoyed with myself that I fell back asleep after the alarm went off. If I had just gotten out of bed like I usually do, then none of that would have happened.

Later this evening, the wife and I were talking and she told me tonight that when I scream at the kids, it brings back all the memories and reactions she had growing up in a verbal and physically abusive home.

she said that her blood pressure goes up and she has the fight or flight response every time I yell at one of the kids.

I’m not proud that I yell at them and she’s right that it does nothing in terms of changing behavior just like spanking doesn’t either so I need to learn new ways to cope with things and find other ways to redirect them, especially the little girl, who though we have a lot of great moments together, she’s the one who listens the least but there are days when her brothers aren’t far behind.

The wife says that a lot of times, she felt like she was going to be killed when she was growing up. I said "that’s way more than yelling" and she said that, yes, it was the abuse and the drinking, things that I had known about from the beginning. She said that it just took her a while to process everything and figure out why she had those responses to that behavior.

when I was growing up, my dad yelled at us a lot, even yelled at my mom one day when she was crying about something.

when I was in public school for the last year before I went to boarding school, I got into a hell of a lot of trouble, mostly beating up other kids who picked on me for being blind. I even knocked one kid down a flight of stairs after I hit him with my cane.

One day, I came home from after getting a demerit, that’s what they called them when I was in school, instead of a detention, you got a pink slip of paper that your parents had to sign.

The school policy was if you got 10, you were expelled. I got 11 that last year of public school.

after one incident, after I had come home and I was sitting on my bed, probably listening to music like I always did, my dad came into the room, pulled me off the bed by my hair, and started beating my ass with a belt after he pulled my pants down as far as I can remember it. I don’t know how many lashes it was but it must have been a good many.

When Leah was around 2 and a half, maybe 3, a similar thing happened with me and her and if I already told this story, I apologize for the repeat but I spanked her ass with my hand after she willfully peed on the wife’s couch. I asked her why she peed on the couch and she said it was fun. I started spanking her, clothes still on, obviously, and you know how some spankings are, a word with each hit to emphasize the point.

My objective was to imprint into her little mind that it wasn’t fun or acceptable to pee on the couch at all and that’s what I was trying to do.

After the spanking, the wife came in and said "do you know how many times you hit her?" first, she was wrong, that wasn’t hitting, I’ve never used a closed fist on any of the children, it was a spanking and spanking and hitting are two totally different things.

I said "I don’t know, maybe 4 or 5. She said "no, it was 12. I have no words, where do you want to go?" That was her exact question and statement. Not, let’s talk about a better way to handle this, not you need help to deal with your anger, but where do you want to go? That one question spoke volumes and maybe it was a fair question to ask in the middle of emotions but she’s not an emotional person at all.

Sure, she cried when her friend tried to kill himself and a couple of times when she was in the hospital after the little boy, but if anyone is emotional, it’s me and the little girl.

So, I grew up with a dad who yelled a lot and who was emotionally distant and that absolutely does not excuse the yelling. It’s a reason, not an excuse and I know that I’m not the first parent in the world who yells at their kids who doesn’t want to.

On the other hand, and this may sound cold and calculating, but I am not responsible for how she reacts to how I do things and though, sure I can do my best, which is all any of us can do, she has to be the one who owns those feelings and wants to get to a point where she doesn’t have such strong internal reactions and I know, it’s easier said than done but even having said that, I understand and can empathize with all that. Sure, I never felt like I was going to be killed in my sleep but I just don’t know what the answer is.

fuck my stupid life

the wife and I were talking last night and the subject of Thanksgiving came up and she wants to stay home and cook this year instead of going out.

I told her that that’s okay that her and her dad enjoy cooking for the holidays anyway and the kids aren’t that much going to be a problem getting in the way when she’s cooking and that sort of thing.

She said "yeah and they’re older" and I said "the little girl is always difficult" and she said "you seem to be able to handle her better than I can on most days, except for the discipline, I seem to have to do that."

That fucking pissed me off because when I do try to discipline the kids, she doesn’t like the way I do things and I don’t know why the hell I didn’t say anything right there and then but now I’m fucking pissed but at the same time I don’t want to fight with her about something and I just wish I could fucking disappear form this dumb life have and just magically be somewhere else forever.

Fuck this shit.

if I had no voice

my mind, oftentimes, works in very strange ways, conjuring up thoughts of the bizarre and unusual.

Last week, I almost lost my voice and one benefit to that happening is that I was unable to yell at the kids.

That lead me to thinking of what would my life be like without a physical voice.

At times, I relish this thought because, after nonstop talking to the kids, asking them to do stuff, reminding them about their chores, asking how their days went at school with various questions, the thought of not having a voice is very appealing because, I no longer want to talk to anyone.

And then my mind went to sex and eroticism as it often does, being one who is basically in a sexless marriage for the last almost 6 years, something you probably didn’t need to know, but it’s my blog so anyway.

What would sex be like if you couldn’t use your voice? For someone like me who is blind, it’s an interesting thought, and something that could be a fascinating experiment, to have sex with someone but neither of us permitted to utilize the voice. She could tell that I was getting pleasure simply by visually observing my body language, facial expressions and so on. I thought about it and wondered, how would I know about the same from her if there were no vocal cues?

I’d have to tune into the physical aspects of her body, would have to feel the tension, be tuned into the changes in breathing and other sensations.

Just something I was thinking about while the wife is working. The little girl asked "Where’s mommy?" I said "she’s working again." She said "At the Bye-bye office?" I said "yes" and she said {"Oh no, not again".

These little exchanges make me a little sad but it brings home just how uninvolved she is in the lives of her children, regardless of how much she talks about being there, she’s really not but then I’d be the one who is ridiculous if I pointed out such an observation.

I think I’m done

the teenager didn’t take out the trash or recycle yesterday so it could be picked up by the city and the wife came home and said "I’m so done" ‘I’ve had it and I’m taking his keys so he can ride the bus to school"

So this morning, what happens? He takes his keys and goes off to school anyway. I would guess that she didn’t even talk to him about any of this. I was going to suggest that if his grades aren’t up to par when we see the report card next week, that I also take the phone for the next 6 weeks because I’m sure all he does is sit in his room and skype with his girlfriend all night.

but at least he’s not on drugs right? Oh yeah, I forget about that little bit of information. Just because it could be worse doesn’t exempt us from having expectations, him at least making a small effort to live up to those expectations and then there being consequences if he doesn’t do so.

but it could always be worse. That’s her shit logical answer for everything.

even other friends of mine have said that she has a nonexistent parenting style.

She doesn’t believe in spanking the children but always uses it as a threat, using the stupid logic that "sometimes that all they need, is a threat and then they listen" and she doesn’t want to yell at the kids.

Sure, I agree that if those were the only tools in your parenting arsenal, then maybe you’d have a problem but when I suggest consequences for actions and get met with "that won’t work" I’m having this scenario in my mind lately where he comes home with a bad report card and I say "I’m taking your phone for the next 6 weeks" the wife says "that’s not going to work" and I lose it and say "I’m fed up with you telling me what consequences will or won’t work," turn to the teenager and say "I’m tired of you not getting your head out of your stupid ass" and "You only get out of this life what you put into it and right you’re doing a miserable job" and "I’m tired of these other two kids fighting all the time and not listening to a single word we say" and "I’ve had it, and like you, I’m done but I’m going out!" and I walk out the door, go down to the park and call a friend to come pick me up so I can stay at her house for a few days.

Maybe Paxil is a good thing for parenting.

She just told me "if it happens again with the trash and recycle, he gets no allowance which means that he’ll have no gas money so he’ll have to take the bus to school. That’s the thing, it’s that "if it happens again" qualifier. You know it will and there won’t be any consequences. And if I’m told over and over that doing this or that won’t work, where does that leave me?

it’s a Monday and I’m already pissed off

the kids woke up before I did and the wife told both of them to take off their diapers. Usually not a big deal, but when I get up, I go out into the kitchen to make my coffee and I feel something odd next to my foot. I bend down to feel what it is and, surprise, it’s some shit. Fucking great!!! So after I get that disgusting mess off my hand, I go into the office and ask the wife "did you check to see if he pooped before you told him to take off his diaper?" She said "I didn’t know until afterwards that he had done that". I said "Well, I just found some shit on the kitchen floor and I don’t know if there’s more". She just says "Okay" and goes back to work.

Now, here’s the question. If you had a blind partner and something like that had happened, wouldn’t you at least go into the kitchen to see if there was any more poop on the floor to avoid the possibility of having what might be left tracked through the house or accidently picked up?

You see, this is the kind of shit (I love puns but not that one) that make me wonder why the hell she even wanted these kids in the first place.

and for my new followers as well as those of you who have followed my wearisome journey from the beginning, there’s still a lot you don’t know, a lot I haven’t written out.

It seem the only solace I have these days is my music and performing on the internet.

Here are some links to 4 performances, each around a half hour or so.

http://soundcloud.com/sklawlor/2015-10-08-winds-of-neptune

http://soundcloud.com/sklawlor/2015-10-07

http://soundcloud.com/sklawlor/ambient-impulse-for-2015-09-19

http://soundcloud.com/sklawlor/ambient-impulse-from-2015-09

I hope you enjoy the music and like my writing, none of this is thought out or rehearsed ahead of time. I just play what I feel.

Thanks for listening.