Since the little ones are now in school and the little girl has to get up earlier than before, we’ve decided to put them to bed a half hour earlier which seems to work out alright.
Last night, I was reading both children a book in the little boy’s room, reading the hungry caterpillar and she had a puppet which was an octopus. She does this thing where she’ll pretend that the puppet is eating whatever food the caterpillar is eating and usually it’s a fun time for both of us, especially if I have a puppet or sock on my hand and tickle her when the caterpillar is supposed to be eating.
tonight, I was trying to read the book and she kept interrupting me on every page saying "No daddy, it’s not the caterpillar, it’s the octopus". I asked her not to interrupt and finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I slammed the book on the table and let out this almost inhuman scream and left the room. After about a minute downstairs, I went back up to the second floor and she was quietly crying in her room, and rightly so, (the insanity of my impulsiveness has got to be checked because, that’s no way for her to go to bed or for us to end our day) and (it’s at those moments when I think to myself, they deserve much better than this" but at least I’m not just working on the house all the time.
Anyway, I calmly asked her if she wanted me to read her a book in the little boys room and she cried "You’re just going to scream at me again" and I tried to explain that I always ask her not to interrupt and I’m not talking about not ever talking while we read but when she interrupts a sentence, it’s usually with something way out of nowhere that’s not even related at all to the book.
She said that she wanted to read a book in her room so we read good night moon and half way through, I had to leave because I started to cry and I couldn’t read that way. I came back after a minute and finished the book, gave her a hug and apologized for yelling at her.
I always feel that my apologies are so hollow because I say I’m sorry for doing x, usually yelling but I don’t ever seem to change any behavior at all.
I don’t enjoy yelling at the children but they don’t seem to listen any other way and I think that’s a sad way for them to live and for me to interact with them. Maybe I need an anger management class or some really good drugs so that I’ll be so mellow that this stuff won’t affect me anymore but then, they might as well have a robot for a parent. Oh, they already have that, why make it two?
I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’m almost about to cry while sitting here typing and that’s pretty unusual. It’s happened before but not for a very long time.