my live improvs were a hit

well, it turns out that people wanted me to play longer than the 39 minutes that I played my second improvisation of the evening on my radio show.

They liked the piano improvisation which was the first 15 minutes of the program but I didn’t think I did a particularly good job. I stumbled around a bit and hit some wrong notes but someone in the chat room said ‘I didn’t hear wrong notes, just key changes."

I felt the much longer improvisation was much better but it was very very different from the piano improvisation, almost a noise drone and it’s almost impossible to hit wrong notes on those.

I may do this every week as someone suggested but we’ll see how it goes.

either way, it’s another opportunity for me to create more music and that’s always a good thing.

the lazy house chronicles part 10

I think I have done pretty damn well not nagging the teenager to do what little chores he has around here and still, nothing is getting done. This morning when he came back from football he said "I’ll take the trash out after I finish lunch and go upstairs."

During lunch he gets on his stupid phone talking to his girlfriend and after lunch does he take out the trash and recycle?

I don’t have to answer the question, I just felt like asking something obvious for a change.

I am tempted next time he’s down here and the wife is there, to simply sweep all the recycle off of the counter onto the floor and then telling him to take it out one piece at a time.

The wife knows that it’s not taken out and all she says is "I agree with you." but nothing ever changes, nothing, ever.

I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

If I remind him when he’s downstairs, I’m a nag. If I don’t, it doesn’t get done.

The wife asked him to pick up some tools from upstairs and he didn’t do it so she just went up there to pick them up herself. I said "just tell him to do it." She just said "fuck it, I’m done".

With reinforcement like that, is it any wonder I’m in a losing situation where I feel that every single day of my miserable life is a complete loss?

He came downstairs finally and I said "give me your phone. I’m keeping it for a week." The wife says "You know that’s not going to work because he has a tablet and computer too." and then the teenager said "do you want those too?"

I feel like I’m slipping closer and closer to a dark precipice but I’m adult enough to just walk away instead of breaking. that’s the conventional wisdom from a person who says that she’s not normal and doesn’t "do normal".

I honestly think I have a bigger problem because I’ve resorted to a bit of self-abuse and this is really hard for me to write about but My rationale is "at least I’m not hitting the kids which would result in potential other problems.

Cognitively I understand the very real dangers of this behavior but screaming at the top of my lungs would scare the kids and I don’t need to go there.

I’m sure I need some sort of professional help but I’m not sure what that would be and I think if anyone I knew personally found out that I was engaging in a bit of this sort of behavior, I’m almost sure they would all think that I was crazy so I haven’t told anyone, not even friends of mine who I’ve known for years and years.

This has only been going on for a couple of months and there’s not really a pattern and I’ve read about other people who do this though I haven’t read extensively on the subject.

I hate making her cry

even if it’s unintentional like when I accidently threw away a drawing the little girl had worked on. She was going to blame her brother for it but I couldn’t let that happen so the best I could do was say that I was sorry, that I didn’t know it was her drawing from earlier. She said "that wasn’t a nice thing to do" and I felt bad for making her cry and still do, even though this thing happened maybe a half hour ago.

If I could have drawn, I would have redone the picture for her but I can’t and so I don’t know how to make it up to her.

I’m not the only one who knew that the paper was on the floor. The wife came into the kitchen at least a couple of times to refill her coffee so why didn’t she bend down, pick up the paper and ask the little girl if it was hers or better yet, just hang it back on the refrigerator so that I wouldn’t have mistaken it for trash and thrown it away.

Next time, I’ll try to ask what something is before I just throw it away but it would be nice if someone else around here would take initiative to do anything other than either the bare minimum or take the initiative only after being badgered about it for days on end.

it’s junk science isn’t it?

I asked the little girl to throw away a piece of trash and her younger brother took it from my hand and threw it away himself. She had a meltdown about not being able to throw away the trash. I will attempt the junk science of positive talk because it’s the only thing I have going at this very moment and the reason it’s junk science and total shit is because, if it’s raining and you’re convinced that it’s going to be sunny, it doesn’t change the fact that raindrops are still falling on your head despite all the mantras you can come up with to try to convince yourself otherwise. And if I hear one single word from anyone telling me that this is temporary there will be a sanity hearing as a result of unthought-of of crimes committed against whoever spouts such verbiage in my direction today.

when there are always second chances, there are no consequences

we have an arrangement with the teenager. He picks up the downstairs and his game room so that the cleaning lady can vacuum and mop the floors without having to pick up a bunch of shit. I reminded him last night, casually, that the cleaning lady was coming tomorrow and that he had to clean up down here. He said "she should do it, that’s what she’s getting paid for. I relayed this to the wife last night and she said "I hope he was joking". It’s so hard for me to tell and I told her that.

This morning, the wife came out and says "He didn’t clean up down here, what did he say to you?" I said "he didn’t say anything. I’ll just tell the cleaning lady to not clean his…" "No, I’m calling him", she said, interrupting my sentence. I stormed off into the bedroom to gather some laundry to do and when I came out she said "I told him that he’s got to be up by ten or you’ll scream at him". She was out the door on the way to work and I sarcastically said "oh, that’ll work." she said "what?" and I said "Screaming at him". She said "You can".

Now for those of you who won’t interrupt me, here was my idea for consequences for being a lazy person who takes no responsibility for anything, not even being the squeaky wheel to ask for more hours at work so he can have a little more spending money.

I tell the cleaning lady not to clean his game room, bedroom or the bathroom but to do the kids rooms.

He doesn’t go to his larping or hang out with his stupid friend and instead spends Saturday cleaning said areas.

I have noticed that all these problems have been happening since he’s been hanging out with a friend who is a bit older but that’s just my hypothesis.

You might wonder "why don’t the kids clean up after themselves" and if you have that question it’s a good one.

A friend of ours asked my wife why she didn’t ever have the kids put back toys before getting more out and she said "it’s too stressful".

I really do feel a lot of times like I’m totally alone in the parenting thing and sure, I can ask them to pick up toys and the like which I should probably do but at what point do you say this is supposed to be a team effort and then at what point are things so far beyond that idea where it feels like there’s not a lot of hope left to salvage that team?

I don’t have any of these answers and this morning I felt very close to telling her that I’m done with this shit.

she’s a sociopath

the other day, the wife was giving the little girl a bath and she said "I wish I was a giant so I could dump you into a trash can." The wife said "I love you too" and the little girl said "that’s not what I’m saying!"

Today, the little girl I guess was in her mom’s lap and they were playing a little bit and the little girl was getting a bit rough and the wife said "why are you trying to hurt me/" The little girl said "because I want to kill you".