inspired by a blog post

I read this blog and saw myself in this post a little bit.

https://doctorly.wordpress.com/2015/06/18/the-other-half-of-the-bitter-pill-sort-of/

It’s the elephant in the room, you know how it goes, it’s when people get together and don’t talk about the obvious.

intimate sexual content ahead just to let you know.

In my case, it’s the lack of intimacy, the absence of sex, at least with the wife but since we’re in an open marriage, that part of it doesn’t seem to be a big concern really.

you know, it’s strange with us, we haven’t had sexual relations in over 5 years and for all that time she has been asexual and some of that was due to her low thyroid. She’s been on thyroid medication and she says that it’s helping and she’s getting back into some of the things she enjoys like working on the house.

tonight, she was talking about her job and she said "Fuck it". When she started to go off to bed, I gave her a hug and said "I’ve got something you can fuck".

She said "do you want to come into the bedroom and we can talk?"

She said that when I say things like that, it turns her off and she just rolls her eyes because she says in the 11 and a half years that we’ve been together I’ve never really liked intercourse so when I make comments like that she’s like "what the hell is that all about?" in her mind anyway. She said that I’d be hard just long enough for her to climb on top. I said "I know that I like more of the touching, the exploring and all that sort of thing and I guess we’re just different sexually."

She said "even though I’m not really interested in sex right now, even outside of the marriage, like I don’t want to call up a friend and say "hey, let’s get it on" that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to please you if you could let me know what you want".

I said "part of the pleasure for me is knowing that I’m bringing my partner pleasure, that’s something that I get off on so if you’re not really into anything sexual right now, I don’t want it to seem like…this probably isn’t the right word but…an obligation".

She said "no, that’s not the right word but it makes sense to me".

I like intercourse, there are just things that I enjoy more but that doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy the act and maybe me not being able to keep an erection for very long would be interpreted as me not liking it but I don’t think that’s the case.

It’s like the other week when I mentioned that I enjoyed going down on a woman and she said "In the 11 years we’ve been together, you’ve never done that to me". I was stunned because, for the first couple of years of our marriage, she didn’t want to have anything to do with that and it wasn’t until we decided to have an open marriage that she met a guy who did that to her and she really liked it.

I know she’s under a lot of stress about her job and that in itself is a mood killer for sure so I really get that and I know that it doesn’t help that I stay up late most nights because I’m just a night person and she’s a morning person.

So I said "Maybe I should make an effort not to stay up so late all the time" and she said "why don’t we try for Saturday and Sunday nights because we used to just lay in bed and talk" and we have to start somewhere.

She said during the week she’s in a shitty mood anyway because of her job and I knew that when she went to bed, that was her time to decompress and she said "that’s true but if we don’t spend any time with each other, we’ll never be able to rebuild intimacy".

So I guess we finally talked about the elephant in the room, at least a little and that’s something.

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7 thoughts on “inspired by a blog post

  1. Anxious Mom says:

    What Sarah said.

    My husband isn’t into the whole “chore” type favors when we are going through a dry spell either.

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    • You know, she asked me to tell her what I want but she didn’t really volunteer specifics about what she likes and maybe that’s because, since sex isn’t on her mind at all, she didn’t think about that. sure I know that she likes intercourse a lot more than I do and she likes it a little rough and that’s not really me so when I try to act that way, even just a little, it turns her off. But then, how do you know if you don’t like something unless you try it and if it isn’t a way that you’ve ever been, then isn’t it going to take a little acting to get you into that mode in the first place? But if that turns her off immediately, it’s almost like I’m cut off at the past, if that makes any sense. Do you guys have any thoughts on this? Thanks for any further comments or input. Going to have my first cup of coffee, the flavor now is snickerdoodle and it’s yummy.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Victo Dolore says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this! 🙂

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  3. i feel for you. I would have been shipped off to the funny farm if i would have gone that long between sex with my wife. i get impatient when i’m in my crappy place and we’ll go a couple months between sex. that must be hard or maybe difficult would be a better word considering the current subject matter. 🙂

    intimacy, even more so sexual intimacy, we strip off our cloths and say take me as i am with all my faults and all my warts. we think maybe, if i express my true desires, like what happened to you when you suggested the act of cunlniigus, and get flatly rejected, we’ll feel wrong or even dirty.

    any form of intimacy needs two ingredients to work, openness and safety. in the absence of those two things intimacy is doomed to fail. unfortunately, we humans, by our very nature, have an innate ability to screw it up just about every time by either not being true to ourselves or felling judgements, even perceived judgments.

    myself, there are times before sex where i ask that we verbally express our desires. i think my wife struggles with the thought of desires, since verbally expressing desires is something difficult for her. but by verbally expressing our desires it gives us a better chance at getting our true desires met.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s a start. Talking is a huge thing. I am very impressed for you both. I think planning days for the two of you will help. Intimacy is more than sex and a lot of people forget that. Good job.

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