am I too nice

The thought crossed my mind today as the wife came home from work, sat on the couch for a couple of minutes after looking in at the construction that was going on in the kitchen. the little boy wanted a yogurt so I offered to get it as usual.

She said something about "Maybe I’ll take the kids to football or maybe I won’t." I didn’t want to hear more fucking shit about how much of a "disaster" it was because, more times than not, when she takes both of them out, she comes home and says that very thing, "it was a disaster."

Hearing the tone in her voice when she said "Maybe I won’t" it was a little lower than when she said that she would, so I just gave her that out.

She got sonic for the kids and I, texted "home" so I went out to the car like it was a drive through, got the food and just went back into the house.

After we all ate, and the little girl wanted something that wasn’t in the order that, when we do get it for her, she doesn’t eat it anyway, but after they ate, the little boy was trying to watch what the little girl was watching on her tablet and she didn’t want him watching so she moved and that made him cry and I was tired of the whining and the fighting.

I gave the little girl a bath first and just before the little boy was to get into the bath, he showed me where he pooped on the white carpet. I cleaned it all up the best that I could but had the thought of "the hell with this shit, let the wife clean it and him up when she gets home." But I didn’t, and took the high road and did it all like I usually do.

When she got home, she said "Whenever I go to football games and don’t take the little ones, I feel bad". Before she told me that, she asked me how my day was and I said "I don’t want to talk about it".

She said "ok" like in a surprised way and I said, after I get the kids in bed, I’m getting in the shower". I wanted to add to that "Because I’m fucking pissed off", screaming it at the top of my lungs and going for her throat.

I’ve had thoughts like that before you know, and I remember one time, a long time ago, she said that she shot bolt upright in bed because she thought I was going to kill her. I don’t know where that came from but it was only that one time. I seem to remember her saying it was something about my facial expression.

Maybe I do too much but I’m just so used to being the one who helps and though I don’t mind asking for help, I don’t like doing it when I’m met with exasperation instead of an unconditional willingness to actually assist, which, in my mind, is the way a marriage should be.

Now, I’m not conventional in terms of a marriage and I don’t want to get political and I don’t even believe that marriage is a sacred institution but I do feel that it should be a partnership, realizing that there will be times and seasons of inequality, that’s just part of human nature among groups, no matter the size of the unit.


5 thoughts on “am I too nice

  1. SD Gates says:

    Hi, my friend. I have been in that place so many times, not wanting to do stuff, because it seems as if I am doing the majority of it. But I have come to realize over the years, that if I don’t do it, it won’t get done and ultimately it will be the kids that suffer. So I sucked it all up, and have gone to all the school events, all the soccer games, all the water polo matches, all the acting classes, all the auditions and a multitude of other events by myself. And it really was awful having to do all this, all the time by myself. But… is the ‘but’ part of it – when the children were little, they were happy I did these things, and they were glad we had all those these experiences, just the three of us, together, and now that they are teenagers they realize what I did, and see the big picture. My 17 year old tells me all the time I am a saint and his childhood was happy because of me, and just last night my 18 year old told me he was so grateful he had such a great Mother, because most of his friends have Moms who are too busy in their lives to notice or take the time to participate in their children’s lives and he couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have BOTH parents that didn’t really give a crap. So, what I am trying to say is – although it seems like YOU are making all the sacrifices, don’t think it is going unnoticed by everyone. The children will remember and will let you know how much they appreciate it. It maybe 10 years from now, but when those signs of appreciation do come, and they still love you and cherish you because of everything you have done – it will make it all worthwhile. But for now – the day to day drudgery sucks – but it will get better!!!!!!


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