thoughts over the last couple of days

A friend of the wife’s on Sunday told her that he wanted to kill himself and that he had it all planned out, how to do it, where to go, etc. When she told me about this, I told her to text him before she went to sleep to be sure that he was okay, preferably call but it was up to her. She texted him and he said that she had a reprieve on him killing himself.

Then on Tuesday, she got a text from him at 9 in the morning that said he had taken the drugs, that he was sorry. She didn’t know where he was so she asked me if she should call the cops? I told her to call the police and even 911, that maybe if they had his cell number, they could triangulate the signal to locate him. Does that shit really work or is that just in the fucking movies?

A friend of ours who also knew this dude got a text at the same time my wife did so she came to pick her up and they went to secure his apartment and make out a police report.

Yesterday, the wife got a call from the friend of the friend who had attempted to kill himself and he was in a park with a gun surrounded by the cops. Suicide by cop? I’ve heard of that happening.

So she went up there to see if she could help out and after a couple of hours in the car and him going on about how "this is a trap, they want to put me in jail" etc., he finally came out and he’s apparently getting the help he needs.

After he gets out of the hospital, he can’t stay by himself for a while so the wife was thinking that he could come to live with us. I was actually thinking that a little myself until the actual attempt and now I’m thinking it’s a really bad idea for a couple of reasons pointed out by a very objective mutual friend of ours who’s had a bit of experience with this kind of thing.

First, if he had a gun, he can get another one and we don’t want that around the little ones, you just never know.

Second, we live in a rather chaotic environment and a person recovering from a suicide attempt needs a calm predictable environment with lots of care and support.

And finally, the wife already has two jobs, working and being a mom (hmm, well, my mind says that a portion of that statement is debatable at times, but that’s another story of thoughts and feelings to go into another time.

If she adds caring for a person who attempted suicide, she’ll be tapped out more than she says she already is and we don’t need that.

This all brings up some very strange feelings for me that I wanted to write about last night but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to share this story. I guess I’m still a little paranoid that people I don’t want finding this blog will stumble upon it anyway.

I’ve known a couple of people who have killed themselves and it’s a pretty helpless feeling and something that, in some ways, hits home for me. I’ve thought about it sometimes, mostly the thoughts that my kids would have a happier childhood if I wasn’t their dad, that someone else could do a better job than I do and that sort of thing.

I don’t know, I don’t feel like I’m a very good parent, even though people I know who are also parents say that I’m "super dad". I take this as a compliment and appreciate the sentiment certainly, that someone has more confidence in me than I have in myself but I suppose that’s true for all of us in one way or another. That phrase always makes me think of that stupid blondie song. "Get the fuck out of my head you fucking trash pop shit." Now I have to play some classic rock or ambient to get that horrid song out of my mind.

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3 thoughts on “thoughts over the last couple of days

  1. maybe it’s clichè but suicide is not about you and what you could have done but about them and what they could have done. don’t know if that’s comforting at all, but it’s true.

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    • You’re absolutely right and the person contemplating suicide probably feels a million times more helpless than anyone who wants to help but is powerless to do so, otherwise they wouldn’t consider ending their life. The important thing is that he’s getting the help he needs.

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