someone made that statement to me a few minutes ago and I wonder if it’s a mirror, reflecting something that I haven’t been wanting to see about myself? I have a head full of junk and I’m trying to make sense of all of it and I’m not doing so well right now.
Am I really so willing to be unhappy and not try to find something bright in my life? I mean, I have that with my music and with friends but, still, there is something missing.
A few memories come to mind about times in my life when I didn’t feel that things were quite right and yet, I couldn’t tell anyone why they were wrong, it was just a feeling that I’ve had.
Typically when you go into therapy, the therapist will ask you why you’re there. Obviously that is a valid and necessary question but what if you’re not sure of the answer? That happened to me a long time ago and when I would tell my mother that something was wrong but I wasn’t quite sure what it was she’d say “you just need God in your life”. My first thought is “that’s too pat, too glib” and the typical response from someone who believes in such things, sure, it’s well intended but a part of me says that can’t be the answer. Yet a softer voice asks “can it be?”
I found out maybe a month or 6 weeks ago that my brother has kidney cancer so he was looking into surgery, and then I get a text from my mother a few days ago that he’s got a blood issue but they don’t have any information on what that is, only that they had to take him off of his blood thinners.
A friend of mine is leaving in a few days for California and we had a party for her on Saturday. It was a fun time for all of us and there were a lot of kids in the pool and it made the wife’s heart happy that everyone was having such a good time, especially the kids.
I just got sidetracked by having to get some stuff done around the house which I’m still not done with but I need to try to make sense out of things.
Who remembers the story of Walter mitty? The guy who had an almost unbearable life but he escaped into a fantasy world? My life certainly isn’t unbearable, I’m not in a war torn country, I have a home, clothes, enough to eat and the luxury to make my music whenever I feel the inspiration and yet, there’s that voice saying “something’s missing” something probably more obvious to my readers than myself.
I have never been an assertive person, even from when I was a kid. People have said to me throughout my life “why can’t you stand up for yourself, or “will you be able to stand up to this person or that one”? which brings me back to the question of this post.
It’s only a question I can answer but like with the question of depression, it’s never as easy as “snap out of it” or “Just get over it”.
I have a new album not released, that I wrote, my most honest yet, here are the track titles which tell a story and then the notes on the album. It’s called “Lost on a Road in the Woods”
1 – the magnolias bloomed, bringing with their scent the hope of a new life and love
2 – The Persistence of Shadows in the Dark Created an Empty Shell where no Joy or hope could Reside
3 – Attempts to drive Away the Chaos are Futile
4 – Visions of Sugarplums and Fairies were in diminished supply as additional children Came into Existence
5 – There Was an Undeniable Presence of Evil in the room as the baby was being rocked to sleep
6 – Consistent Conflict Results in Emotional and Mental Disintegration
7 – Thoughts of how his absence would devastate the children are overtaken by the need to escape into a deep dark abyss
8 – they Wept, not for Their Loss but Because he didn’t recognize his inherent significance
The tracks for this album were composed in May of 2016 for broadcast on http://stillstream.fm for the May 13th edition of the program.
This is my most personal album to date and since the titles tell a story that is, in a lot of ways, quite autobiographical, the ending is from my worst imaginings, hence, something that I was very hesitant to release for a long time.
However, the objective of any artistic creation is to speak and lay bare the inner reality of the artist, no matter how difficult that reality may be for some to understand or even identify with.
the difficulties that I have encountered being a parent are probably commonplace for many but living in a culture of hair trigger reactions and the unwillingness for people to discern or hear the whole story before coming to an abrupt and inaccurate judgement make personal stories like this unpopular. People like to believe the myths of warm fuzzy feelings that accompany the birth of a child and the excitement of new adventures that await them on the journey ahead thanks to popular mainstream media and the like, and though there is truth to all of that, there is a darker side to the parental journey that you only hear about in extreme cases from the media. What if there was a grey area though, more melancholy than happy but not so dark that it culminated in abuse or murder? Who tells the stories of these people who fall between the cracks of the myths so readily believed by the general public and the actions of a few people who, when heard about, give rise to great and understandable repulsion by the very same public who are all too willing to embrace the misleading narrative of what parenthood is really all about?
Here is such a story, one that took me great courage and vulnerability to share so it is my hope that you will listen with an open and courageous mind and consider the struggle from a different not talked about perspective.